Is Twitter Too Much For You to Handle?–Papa’s Basement Radio Show
Despite not being 72, my co-hostess Allison had yet to join Twitter. That changed a few days ago. I listen to the impressions of someone new to the insidious, soul-sucking […]
-Gandhi
Let me reacquaint you with a film. It was going to reboot the Superman franchise into the modern superhero movie era. It was directed by a guy who had previously done great work with adapting a comic into a movie, starred a male lead with a jaw every bit as square as Christopher Reeve’s, and featured strong casting throughout. That film’s name? Superman Returns. It stank. (It actually wasn’t awful, but “it stank” reads a whole lot better. Plus, this.)
Seven years have passed since Returns. A new film promises to carry Superman into the modern era. It’s directed by Zac Snyder, who brought the comics 300 and Watchmen to the big screen, stars the statuesque (nomo) Henry Cavill and has a cast that features, among others, Amy Adams, Diane Lane, Kevin Costner, Laurence Fishburne and Russell Crowe. You know what Einstein said the definition of insanity was? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Yes, I’m telling you right now that Man of Steel is going to be average. Not great, not horrible, but very average. Why? Christ, it’s a hunch. Didn’t you read the part where I said I haven’t seen the movie yet? But my gut vibe, as Zac Snyder cranks out more and more dreck, is that 300 was a fluke and the guy is a very mediocre director. And mediocre directors rarely stumble into making great films. Life isn’t Forrest Gump. The unskilled rarely achieve greatness.
We don’t need another Superman movie. These damn reboots all got green-lit after Batman Begins enjoyed its massive success. Every greedy Hollywood prick boiled it down to, “We took the original Batman, made it ‘edgy’ and gave it special effects that don’t look like they were from a 1984 ABC movie of the week. Bam, success.”
The problem is that, outside of Batman and Wolverine, the story of the average superhero doesn’t benefit from being dark and edgy. You wouldn’t produce a Marilyn Monroe biopic that goes on to enjoy huge numbers because it depicts Marilyn taking loads across her tits and taking drugs up her ass and then say, “I’m also producing a Ronald Regan movie. He, like Marilyn, was an actor, so it’s gonna be a huge hit if we also have him fucking, sucking and snorting his way through Hollywood.” Not everyone’s story is best told by making it gritty.
If you’re old enough to remember the original Superman, skip Man of Steel. Sure, you can make better special effects on your cell phone than the ones that were used in the 1978 original, but so what? When Sonny died in The Godfather, they literally just smeared red paint on him. It’s hilariously awful, but it does nothing to detract from the greatness of that masterpiece.
Let today’s youth have their Man of Steel. Slip into the warm bath that is curmudgeonhood, and when some 17-year-old tells you that the new Superman was awesome, reply, “Are you talking about that Margot Kidder picture film? Now that was a leading lady. In my day, a woman didn’t need to show her bosoms (or have teeth) to be sexy. And we didn’t cast a colored man to play a white! Now, if you excuse me, I have a Tupac phonograph to play as I soak my lesions in a mineral bath.”
Chris J. on June 14, 2013
The reboot has become a huge thing on Superhero and Horror films as of late. Snyder did an excellent job with “300” but I was more impressed with “Watchmen.” His trend is to be dark in everything but “Superman” doesn’t really need to be dark. It’s because of Christopher Nolan that everything has to have an darker edge to it. I’ll still go see this but let me tell you, the only “Superman” movies worth a damn were the original 1 and 2. 3 and 4 were God awful, especially when you have Superman speaking to Congress.