Reviewing Pacific Rim Without Having Seen It

Pacific Rim is going to be a good movie. Maybe even great. But at least good. It’s that simple. Why? Because directors make a film, and Pacific Rim was directed by Guillermo del Toro, whose track record includes Blade II, Pan’s Labyrinth and Hellboy, all of which pass the “I will never flip from this when it comes on HBO” test with flying colors. Also, Guillermo is a great big fat person, which means he lives for parking his ass in the director’s chair two feet from the craft services table. There are no fantasies about leaving the set to engage in physically demanding sex, mountain climbing or even ascending the 10 stairs in his house that stand between him and the tv. Nope, you put that man next to a plate of lunch meat with a megaphone in his hand and he’s found his nirvana.

The plot of Pacific Rim is big monsters and big machines fight each other. I think the machines are protecting us and the monsters are trying to kill us, but it could be the other way around. It doesn’t matter: The movie is going to be Godzilla with special effects that finally supersede those of the Amish. And, unlike Transformers, G.I. Joe and most other summer movies where sparks fly and things explode, I’m confident that I won’t feel like my intelligence is being raped at gunpoint as I watch it thanks to del Toro’s artful touch.

My only complaint about the movie is the horrible way it’s been promoted. I feel like I’m the only person on Earth who knew what the Hell it even was up until three days ago. A lot of my friends are massive geeks (try to contain your shock) who nurse hardons for big-budget sci fi movies years before they’re released, yet any time I’d bring up Pacific Rim they’d look at me like I was excited about an art house film by the title The Garden of M. Willoughby, not a $180 million summer blockbuster with fighting robots. Why is it when Iron Man 12 came out earlier this year you could tampons with Tony Stark’s face on them yet I’d have to rob a Japanese Toys-R-Us for a goddamn Pacific Rim action figure?

You know how you like to pretend you’re fed up with all the unoriginal films that Hollywood churns out? Here’s your chance to prove it. Go see a movie that isn’t a sequel and wasn’t based on a tv show, toy or video game from your childhood. Like a finger in your ass during oral, it sounds scary in theory, but you’ll probably end up liking it.

Tagged as: Movie Review.