Reviewing The World’s End Without Having Seen It
The only positive in my life is an AIDS test. That and a solid sense of humor. If the comedy elite finds something funny, I almost always find it funny […]
It was revealed Thursday evening that Ben Affleck would play Batman in the Man of Steel sequel. For those of you expecting a diatribe about how this is the worst nerd news since Donald Glover announced he was leaving Community, you won’t find it here. I savor the tears of brokenhearted fanboys, sprinkling them on rival males to render their genitalia impotent.
I’m tired of people behaving as if Christian Bale’s Batman was akin to seeing James Dean (yes, kids, the guy the porn star took his name from) in Rebel Without a Cause. There are exactly two ingredients to the formula for Bale’s Batman:
1. As Bruce Wayne, play an aloof British man without the British accent.
2. As Batman, put on an affected death metal cookie monster voice.
That isn’t too difficult to replicate, is it? You want to know the real prerequisite for the role of Batman? A strong chin. That’s it. A chin that resembles a muscular, stubble-covered ass with a gigantic hole in the middle. A hole that could pass an entire Thanksgiving dinner without the need for reading material on the bowl. Mussolini would have made a fantastic Batman. Harland Williams not so much.
So relax. Start caring about things that actually matter in life, like porn sites capping the number of free previews you get per day. (I cum quickly, but not three 30-second clips quickly, Bang Bros.) You all seemed to love Ben Affleck in Argo, and he passes the assy chin test in spades, so sit down, shut up, and buy a ticket to the movie all of you little geeks would still go see had they cast P. Diddy in the role.
Mohammad Cannon on September 3, 2013
[Incidentally, Danny Elfman ‘s score is top-notch in this scene]Bruce runs to their remains but is unable to find her body (THE ABSOLUTE WORST SCENE OF THE MOVIE: Shreck’s corpse is the fakest looking dummy I’ve ever seen. I realize that in Burton movies, things are going to look “cartoony”, but I am disappointed). Bruce does not notice the Penguin regaining consciousness behind him and climbing out of the water, preparing to shoot him with one of his trick umbrellas. However, he accidentally picks a wrong, harmless one, and, still dazed and weakened by his fall, stumbles around, unable to do anything, before finally collapsing to his death on the floor in front of him. And in one final surreal touch, a school of sombre penguins come out from nowhere and provide a funeral march, leading his body back to a watery grace – a deformed creature that seemed to belong in the wrong world is laid to rest in its sewers. Batman just watches, completely powerless. With the exception of rescuing the children, which we did not even get to see, he has been denied his traditional heroism. Exposed without his mask, and nearly shot in the back by the Penguin — indeed, it is ONLY due to the sheer chance that the Penguin grabbed the wrong umbrella that he is alive now.As I said earlier, the Penguin and Catwoman’s plotlines are really separate and function independently, aside from the thematic similarities. Yes, certain plot elements are intertwined in both, such as Batman and Shreck, but ultimately they are separate, which is why having them form an alliance didn’t really work. This is the best cemented by the fact that the plotlines have two very separate climaxes. The climax of the Catwoman plotline is the central climax of the film, but it is sandwiched in between two climatic encounters with the Penguin, and I have to say, despite the incohesiveness of other parts of the film, the script manages to create a solid climax out of these encounters.