Reviewing Thor: The Dark World Without Having Seen It

I’m going to keep this short and sweet: The original Thor was the least-plausible comic book film I have ever seen. It wasn’t because of the story, which featured frost giants taking over a mythical land located at the end of a rainbow, as I recall. It wasn’t because of poor special effects depicting Thor’s godly powers (those were passable). It wasn’t even due to poor acting, which, between the olde tyme talk and and cast of mythical immortals, this movie could have drowned in. It was because I was supposed to believe that the immortal God of Thunder was bowled over by a woman for the first time in his ageless existence…and that woman was Natalie Portman.

I realize I’m going to be crucified by every geek who has masturbated his way through life to footage of Portman in this outfit (and every guy in the Dave Herman fan club who’s more a fan of Natalie from this era), but the broad has the body of Ramona Beasley. Thor has been munching the carpet of valkyries with tits like Volkswagens since the dawn of time, and I’m supposed to believe Natalie Portman and her little boy figure rocked his world? To a Norse god, she’s the flesh equivalent of the tissues you finish in after solo session, not the woman who makes you question your immortality.

Work with me, Hollywood. Give me Sofia Vergara. She’s a little long in the tooth, but I could believe Thor going nuts for some hot Latin ass after eons of nothing but Hitler Youth pussy.

I’m skipping Thor: The Dark World and waiting for it to hit Netflix, just like I did the original. The only thing that could have gotten me to pay this clunker a visit in the theater is casting Zakk Wylde in the titular role. Or a topless Sofia Vergara. She really needs to get on that before it’s too late. Yes, these are the thoughts that keep me awake at night. (Sound the double entendre alarm.)

Tagged as: Movie Review.