The Top Three Christmas Presents I Ever Received

It’s list time on Papa’s Basement. (Any time you see a list, it means I had to work in the early afternoon, leaving me 20 minutes to write.) Here, in ascending order of awesomeness, are the three best Christmas presents I ever received.



3. Bike (1987)-The bike was my first “I have to have this now, lest I be an ostracized weirdo” gifts. Other kids in the neighborhood were getting bikes this particular Christmas and, if I didn’t get one, I’d be left behind, like a tribal youth who failed his passage into manhood. Thankfully, I did get one, and the world as I knew it suddenly expanded exponentially. (Or to the end of the street if my mom was watching, since she was neurotic and convinced molesters were lurking everywhere, just waiting to snatch me up. I mean, I wasn’t that good-looking a kid, Mom. Kid touchers have standards, too.)



2. Nothing in particular I remember (every year except 1987 and 1991)-Suck on that, parents. I got great gifts every fucking year from 1981 onward, yet I remember only two of them. Not even enough for a top three list. Next time your kid tells you they need a certain gift on Christmas, smack them twice: Once for you and once for me.



3. Super Nintendo (1991)-Before we start, does the girl pictured above only have one tit? I see Righty, but Lefty looks…malnourished, to say the least. I hope it didn’t hide itself because we’re looking in its direction, like one of those ghosts from Super Mario Bros.


Without a doubt, the best gift I ever scored on Christmas came when I was 10 years old. My parents had been slow to the party getting me a regular Nintendo because they thought it would kill my grades. What they quickly came to learn, however, was that by hiding the controls to the NES and allowing me to play only when my grades were good, they had a Child Einstein on their hands. You’ve never seen a GPA like mine back when they had me by the joypads. When I started piping up about a new video game system that I had to have to keep up with the Joneses, they were all too eager to make sure their overachieving little mouse had the right cheese to make him run through that maze.


I remember that Christmas so vividly. There was only one box under the tree big enough to be a Super Nintendo. My brother and I made a beeline for it, shredding its wrapping in seconds and begging our father to install it immediately, other presents be damned. He, kind soul that he was, did just that and…the system was a dud. It failed to turn on.


I don’t think I’ve ever been so frustrated in all my life. A brand new Super Nintendo, right in front of me, and I couldn’t play it. Not only that, but the store wasn’t even open to take it back because it was Christmas. As I recall, I tried to hibernate as much as possible until the following day, when I made sure to be the first person in line at the doors of Service Merchandise when it opened. I marched out with a new SNES, plugged it in, and promptly played Super Mario World for the next eight months. Without a doubt, the best Christmas present I ever received.