Ghostface Killah Taught Me How to Love

I am an unabashed fan of the Wu-Tang Clan. My first hip-hop album was Wu-Tang Forever. When I heard that Ol’ Dirty Bastard had passed on to that Brooklyn Zoo in the sky, my eyes welled up. There is no way that my tombstone won’t have the lyrics to “Dogshit” emblazoned across it. So when I caught this gem over at Buzzfeed titled “Ghostface Killah’s Advice On How To Make Your Girl Happy,” I had to take a look. Join me as I walk you through the highlights of this collection of Tweeted wisdom.



Right off the bat, I’m going to have to disagree with Ghostface. You can only say “I love you” so many times before a woman starts to get annoyed and/or suspect you of some really heinous transgression, like putting stones to her mother while her father films it. Say it once with feeling and keep a straight face for a few minutes afterward and you’re all set.



Ghostface is a little more on track with this one. Kissing her without ramming your tongue down her throat like that cattle gun from No Country for Old Men is a good thing, as are massages. The “feel her up” part gives me pause, however. Most women don’t like their tits and ass squeezed like fresh produce. Maybe I’ve dated a bunch of Puritans, but I think you’d better steer clear just in case.



Given Ghostface is a successful musician, the breadth of the “foul shit” he might be involved in is staggering. He could be guilty of cutting his toenails in bed or he could have spent the previous night sticking his dick in a human pyramid of groupies. And yes, you probably want to knock off either of those behaviors if you’re looking to score points with the missus. Finally, we’re in agreement.



Okay, this sounds pretty relaxing. I’m wholeheartedly buying into the Ghostface seduction program. Proceed, sir.



Uh, okay, sure. I guess this still sounds decent. I’m starting to regret saying I was wholeheartedly on board, but let’s see where he goes with this.



Okay, does this motherfucker have stock in Holiday Inn? We get it. Hotels are good. They have activities the two of you can engage in outside of fucking each other until your sheets look like a Jackson Pollock painting under a black light.



The lingerie I get, but a cake? It sounds like he’s trying to fuck Hansel and Gretel.



Slow sex is boring and geriatric and any woman who requests it should go deep throat a running muffler, but Ghostface is at least right about the slow jams part. I was once with a metalhead chick who requested some music during sex, so I turned on the radio to the quiet storm. She looked at me like I’d just asked her to address me as “Michael Clark Duncan” during intercourse and immediately flipped the dial to 98 Rock. The memory of blowing a load to Godsmack’s “Awake” haunts me like the ending of Pink Flamingos. Artists like Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes were made for mashing stinkies to. Don’t try to get cute and play something else.



While I have to applaud busting out “bitch” in a series of Tweets about romancing women, Ghostface needs to be more specific here. There are good shocks in bed and there are bad shocks. Dropping your pants to reveal a baby’s arm = good shock. Letting out the fart you’ve been holding in since dinner four hours prior during a blowjob = bad shock. You’ve got to spell these things out, man.



Annnnd this list could have been one Tweet long. Going down is awesome (as long as the girl shaves – otherwise I’d prefer licking the scalp of John C. Reilly) and it allows you to get away with murder in a relationship if done often and with aplomb. In fact, if you want a happy girl, disregard everything Ghostface said and just go down on her until she’s about to twist off your head with her thighs like it’s a friggin bottle cap . Everything else will fall in place.

Tagged as: wu-tang clan.