The Three Most Idiotic Phrases Women Can Quote Online

In retrospect, I wasted a shocking number of hours in my early 20s trolling for ass on websites like MySpace and the now-defunct Dilly. I was an expert at being able to look at a woman’s profile and, within five seconds, deduce if she was a respectable girl, a raging trollop or a stone-cold moron. (Don’t even get me started on the fatties who’d sucker you in with nothing but photos taken from the tits up. They’re an article unto themselves.)


The biggest indicator that a girl fell into the aforementioned moron category was catching one of the following lines displayed in her profile. Now that I’m older and everyone in the world has white flighted there way over to Facebook from MySpace, I don’t encounter juvenile crap like this nearly as much. Still, like they said about such tragedies as Pearl Harbor and The Godfather III, never forget. Behold the three most idiotic phrases women can quote online.



“3. You’re only as strong as the tables you dance on, the drinks you mix and the friends you roll with.”
I suppose this line is supposed to evoke a scene of you and your friends out having a night to remember, all the boys in the club with their mouths agog as you dance tantalizingly out of reach. You know who else drunkenly dances on tables, full of a misplaced sense of sisterhood? A stripper. By quoting this line, what you’re actually saying is “I love being the whoreish, inebriated center of attention and I need the friends I roll with to be strong because they’ll be dragging my .2 BAL carcass the four miles back to my apartment.” Can’t you just picture this one coming out of Snooki’s mouth? Especially that part about tables that can take a large weight.



2. “The one who makes you cry isn’t worth your tears.”
I couldn’t find a picture of this line, so instead you get an equally-maudlin photo of a kitten whose eyes look like they’re welling up as it waves goodbye. Ladies, the belief that the guy you’re meant to be with won’t make you cry is bullshit. If anything, he’s going to make you cry more than anyone else. My parents, God bless them, had a marriage that lasted 25 years, up until my dad bought the farm. And you know the one thing I can remember them doing together? Fighting. Horrible fights in their cursed Greek tongue which I couldn’t understand a single word of that culminated in my mother running away crying. It was as bloodcurdling as waking up in the middle of the night to the sounds of a cats fighting. Yet they always made up and never once did I doubt that they loved each other. So shut your stupid mouth, buy a box of tissues, and be thankful you have someone in this life that makes you feel anything. Twat.



1. “Live. Laugh. Love.”
Pretty much the inspiration for this article, “Live. Laugh. Love” belongs in a category of its own. The idiocy of its simplicity is unparalleled. I mean, who fails to do any of these things in the course of their life, especially the living part, which is typically inherent to living? If you’re going to give me three words to lead my life by, at least make them useful. “Cut. Chew. Swallow.” “Squat. Wipe. Flush.” “Inhale. Pause. Exhale.” People find alliteration entirely too clever. You know who love really loved alliteration? The Nazis. Schutzstaffel. Heil Hitler. Goebbels probably told der Führer to “Live. Laugh. Love” on multiple occasions in the bunker.

Tagged as: Facebook, myspace, The Dilly.