Laughing at Justin Bieber and His Baby Mama*

*Alleged baby mama. I’m not single-handedly making some legal team’s Hanukkah by forgetting that magic word.

After yesterday’s write-up about the Kim Kardashain divorce, I felt like cementing this once-fine publication’s descent into celebrity gossip with another fluff story about famous people’s nonsense, this time regarding the possible spawning of Justin Bieber. Do I hate myself for being even faintly interested in this subject? Absolutely. For Christ’s sake, my homeland is sliding into the abyss as I type this, a pussy hair away from getting walled up like some ghetto straight out of Contagion. But that’s kind of depressing and takes a few braincells to process, so the Hell with that, onto the photos of Bieber’s baby mama, Mariah Yeater.

Annnnnd there went 90% of my readers. Do I actually believe Justin Bieber had sex with this leviathan? I want to. Especially in light of her summary of their encounter:

“Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone…he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time…we went inside [a bathroom] and immediately his personality changed drastically. He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to fuck the shit out of me. At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to.”

I’ll say this much: Everything I read there sounds like it could have been spoken by a man. And by “could have been,” I mean that I’ve said those words verbatim twice in the past month. It’s just…Justin Bieber? Literally the one thing I know about him is that he looks and sounds like his balls haven’t dropped yet. If he’s using this whole prepubescent Christ-loving persona to pound more kitty than an abusive animal shelter employee, it’ll be the most brilliant ruse since Rock Hudson convinced us he walked that way because he rode too many horses while filming Westerns. Regardless, I’m not ruling Mariah Yeater’s story out. Given those hips, that the baby wasn’t half black was already a 1,000-to-one chance. What’s another long shot?