My Apathy Toward March Madness Disgusts Me
I pride myself in a certain amount of sports knowledge and fandom, in part because I was a tubby, geeky pud as a kid, and being able to talk sports […]
The majority of my movie reviews are overwhelmingly negative. Many would attribute that to me being a pessimist: I believe it’s because most movies are garbage and should refer to themselves as “time machines that brought you 90 minutes closer to the grave without enriching your life in the slightest.” So it might come as a shock when I say that 21 Jump Street looks like it could have some laughs.
Don’t misunderstand me: I’m sure the film, as a whole, is crap. Channing Tatum is a fucking totem pole. (By that I mean his face is utterly expressionless, not a guess at the size of his penis. I hope he isn’t hung like a totem pole, because the only way I can sleep at night is imagining that all attractive men have cocks like skin tags.) Jonah Hill can get laughs, but most of the time I just want to see his head on a pike. To top it off, Ice Cube plays their captain, and if he doesn’t utter a line along the lines of, “I do NOT understand you goddamn crazy white boys!” I will snort gerbil shit through a Capri Sun straw live on this website for your entertainment. Maybe this wasn’t that positive of a review after all.
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