Reviewing Taken 2 Without Having Seen It

The original Taken was a surprise hit, a film whose appeal is not easy to explain. Maybe it was Liam Neeson kicking ass even though he’s old enough to tell historians what the Gettysburg Address sounded like firsthand. Maybe it’s women loving a movie where daddy saves their chastity from the clutches of an Ay-rab so fat, you expect him to talk in that language Jabba speaks. And who could say no to Famke Janssen’s glorious MILF rack. Whatever the reason, Taken enjoyed an exceptional profit margin at the box office and put Neeson single-handedly back on the map. A sequel was inevitable.

And that sequel is Taken 2, a movie I’m assuming is as original as its title. Really, what the hell is this thing going to offer? Does the daughter get taken again? The wife? The family dog? (Actually, that last option would be astounding. If the film cut from this shot to Liam Neeson on the other end of the line, who proceeds to launch into his Taken speech, I would be on board like the movie ticket came with a blowjob.)

The only way I would watch Taken 2 is if they redid it with an all-black cast. It would be titled Mo’ Taken!!!, with Sherri Shepherd as the wife, Zoe Saldana and Ariel Meredith as the hot daughters (why limit yourself to one?) and, in the comeback role of the decade, Chris Tucker as Liam Neeson. Not sold yet? Wait until I tell you who abducts Chris Tucker’s daughters: It’s Jackie Chan. You may start buying your tickets now, America.

Tagged as: Movie Review.