Adam Sandler Has Never Bested Billy Madison

If you don’t laugh at this scene, I despise you. Also, I apologize for the audio, which sounds like it was recorded underwater.

This past Sunday night, while driving home from one of my many radio jobs that satisfy both my financial and creative needs, I flipped to the Big 40 Countdown on SiriusXM’s 80s on 8 channel. For those of you that don’t have it on your dial, even if you hate 80s music, you really should listen, if only to hear the husky rasp of one of the stations DJs, Nina Blackwood. Why? She’s the Michael Jordan of smoker’s voices. Her pipes sound like she warmed up for the shift by spraying a can of Raid into a pint glass, garnishing it with Comet Cleanser, shotgunning the concoction and finally chewing the glass. I bet she’s got testicles like M79 shells. Rawr.


What does all this have to do with Billy Madison? During the countdown, Nina played a track from the Cars by the name of “I’m Not the One,” which caused me to almost swerve off the road. It was the song from the Billy Madison Valentine’s Day sequence! Finally, after all these years, a name to put to the music. Since I’m a neurotic ball of attention deficit disorder and free association, the rest of the drive home was spent mentally pouring over the Adam Sandler oeuvre and debating whether he’d ever recaptured the magic of that debut effort. After 30 minutes, I came to a resounding conclusion: No.


Not to sound like too much of an ivory tower intellectual, but I believe Billy Madison to be one of the comedic achievements of my lifetime. I quote it in my daily life like a person with human worth quotes the Bible. If someone stutters in my presence, they get hit with “Tuh-tuh-tuh today, junior!” Did you just botch something? Prepare for me to scream “YOU BLEW IT!” Conversely, do something well and you may hear that you’ve done a “quacktastic” job. And, of course, there’s only one way to answer the question “What day is it?”

Realistically, what can you stack against Billy Madison? Happy Gilmore? The Waterboy? Those two are the Billy Ripken and Dom DiMaggio of the Adam Sandler universe: Close, yet so very, very far. And if you even thought about nominating a Big Daddy or 50 First Dates, I want you to do me a favor and fill your bath with ice, call 911, then lean over the tub and pluck out both of your eyes with a pair of salad tongs. Clearly, you’ve squandered the gift of your vision. Let someone else see if they can do a better job with it.


No, Adam Sandler will probably never top Billy Madison. And that’s all right. The Wu-Tang Clan never did it better than they did on 36 Chambers. Jenna Jameson started off strong then proceeded to age in dog years. If Adam Sandler’s greatest contribution to my life via his movies is me covering my brow as I gaze up at the summer sun to mutter the words, “It’s too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin’ around,” well, life will go on. Oh Billy, Billy boy, when are you going to find whatever it is you are looking for…

Tagged as: Adam Sandler, Billy Madison.