Why the Super Bowl Sucked
Super Bowl XLV has come and gone and I have to say I’m disappointed. It isn’t that I wasn’t rooting for the Packers or that the game wasn’t close. Still, […]
From the age of eight all the way until 25 or so, I was very passionate about music. I own around 500 CDs (that statement couldn’t make me sound older if I were bragging about listening to them as I sailed for the Indies in order to bring the Queen spices the likes of which she’s never seen), all of which are now in my closet collecting dust (money well spent). So this morning I figured I’d leaf through a few of them and see what winners I could unearth. I wasn’t disappointed.
It’s not that I’m ashamed to own a Depeche Mode album, per se. I love sissy sounding 80s synthpop and I don’t give a damn who knows it. But really, did the group have to go all out and put a strapping, shirtless Adonis, muscles aquiver as he swings his John Henry hammer on the cover? Do you know how embarrassing it was having to buy this CD at Tower Records? The only thing that could make this picture any gayer is a Puerto Rican on all fours in the lower left of the shot, a dildo the size of a rolling pin sticking out of his ass like an RC antenna as he gasps “ay Dios mio” in anticipation of Hammertime smashing it up his rectum like he’s some “test your strength” game at the carnival. I’d have received fewer sidelong glances buying an issue of Black Inches.
Again, musically, I don’t really mind owning an album by Emperor. They were a decent metal band as I recall and I was quite the little headbanger as a teenager. Even at that age and stupid as I was, however, I recognized their look was ridiculous. And what was that look, you may be asking? Why, they wore corpsepaint!
Corpsepaint was supposed to make you look badass, like, well, a corpse, though I always thought you came off looking like either a panda or one of the robbers in Dead Presidents. Over in Scandinavia, though, corpsepaint was their version of baggy jeans and a Wu-Tang t-shirt. What a fucked up region. Here’s hoping they stick to the two things we know they excel at: Making furniture and churning out porn where everyone still has a foreskin.
Look for Volume Two of “Albums I’m Ashamed to Own” next week.
Reallyprofound on February 8, 2011
You dare diss Emperor?? There are much worse examples of corpse paint abuse out there, and doubtless in your record collection too. I’m going to send Euronymous to kick Eurass (and then eat Eualive)
KevyMetalWorld on February 8, 2011
Emperor – Great choice, regardless of our differing opinions… and just so I can be a righteous tool, I love that you posted a picture of Darkthrone instead of Emperor. See? I’m a fucking knob.
Great shit, by the way!
terryl on February 8, 2011
“strapping, shirtless Adonis, muscles aquiver as he swings his John Henry hammer”
I like you.
Nyssa23 on February 9, 2011
My “Albums I’m Ashamed to Own” would include the Bangles’ greatest hits album. Hey, I thought that one chick Michael was hot.
Brian on February 10, 2011
Meatloaf’s Bat out of Hell II is the most shameful yet awesome album I own.