Saying that I’m reviewing The Amazing Spider-Man without having seen it is a lie, because I watched the film when it came out ten years ago and was called Spider-Man. I was a big fan of that movie. It had an innocence and joy about it and wasn’t afraid to embrace the inherent silliness of superheroes and comic books. Ever since Batman Begins, most superhero movies have felt the need to be brooding and dark. Like that piece of shit Superman Returns. I almost expected that thing to include a plot point of Jor-El blowing baby Kal-El before tossing him in his little spaceship and sending him to Earth with fighting evil being the means by which Superman coped with his suppressed memories.
Coming back to The Amazing Spider-Man, I’m sure the film is going to be much more grim than the movie it’s a remake of. (Please don’t use the term “reboot”. I despise sanitizing language. “Final Solution” sounded a lot nicer than “killing a bunch of Jews”, but, either way, you’re talking fewer movie producers in the world today.) I actually expect it to be a decent film, too. But the question remains–why, other than a cash grab, was there was a single reason to make The Amazing Spider-Man? The source material has been presented countless times at this point. If anyone cared to be original, they’d make a Spider-Man origin movie about what would really happen if a teenaged boy was was granted the ability to climb walls silently: Copious amounts of masturbating while watching women change through their apartment windows. No crime fighting. No girlfriends. Just countless loads shot against the windows of NYC. The city would think it was being infested by pigeons that learned to shit sideways.
Earlier this week we established that the British love massive tits, which proves they are an intelligent, beneficent people. As if to confirm my previous statement (except not really because […]
David on July 6, 2012
Yep. A pure cash grab by those Hollywood grassfuckers (tm Filthy) who think they can fool us with bullshit lines like “there’s so much more to tell in the story” and blaming Tobey Maguire for “getting old” as excuses for pumping out the same crap.
Fuck you Hollywood. And fuck you, Amazing Spider-Man.