Reviewing Captain America: The Winter Soldier Without Having Seen It

Comics, like wrestling and baseball, are something I love learning the history and story of, yet am disgusted by the thought of actively consuming. For example, while I’ve read André the Giant’s Wikipedia page five times (conservatively), I would rather give myself a bullet suppository using a rifle barrel applicator than actually watch one of the dude’s matches on YouTube.

As for comics, in my youth, I adored comic cards. They were like baseball cards, except they depicted comic book characters, telling their background stories and detailing their superpowers. A few weeks of collecting comic book cards and I knew as much about the story of everyone in the Marvel universe as the most diehard of comic readers. At first I thought that was kinda cool. Then I realized what horrible things that said about the content of comic books. 30 years worth of stories could be summarized in a few paragraphs? Jesus Christ, what kind of circle jerk took place between the covers of your average comic?

What does all this have to do with Captain America: The Winter Soldier? Well, while reading a summary of the film, I learned that “The Winter Soldier” is an alias for Bucky Barnes. While that name might not mean anything to the average reader, I was instantly chilled. Why? Because Bucky Barnes might be the lamest piece of shit I ever came across in all my years of comic book card collecting.

I remember opening that Bucky card like it was yesterday. Nestled in-between world beaters like Thor and the Silver Surfer, there he was. Short. Ridiculous costume. No superpowers. Eyes like a dead chipmunk. He was like Robin, yet somehow infinitely worse. At least Robin (well, Burt Ward, the dude who played him) got untold scads of ungroomed 60s pussy and had hot chicks wearing his costume. All Bucky did was look like a flat-chested cigarette girl at a shit local boxing match. Every time I passed through the binder pages of my comic card collection, Bucky stared back at me, mocking the coolness of the superheroes and supervillains surrounding him with his mere presence.

Of course, there is no way that Bucky wears that ridiculous outfit in The Winter Soldier. Knowing how every comic book movie today strives to be as ominous as possible, he probably looks like a ninja or RoboCop or has had his DNA spliced with that of a velociraptor. But no matter how good the movie is (and it’s enjoying an 87% currently over at Rotten Tomatoes) and how badass they make the incarnation of Bucky Barnes present in it, I want you to know what an annoying piece of shit Bucky actually is and that the character you’re enjoying a farce. It’s the only revenge against the little turd that I’ll ever know.