Carrie Review (Without Having Seen It)

My Carrie review was going to be a beautiful, two-pronged assault, like the Nazi invasion of Poland or texting horrible things to your ex-girlfriend as you post the nude photos she shared with you in confidence on her Facebook wall: I was going to decry the making of another unnecessary Hollywood remake while also pointing out that Chloë Grace Moretz and her Mötley Crüe umlaut is way too cute to play the ugly girl in the same way that mutant Sissy Spacek–the original Carrie–was able to. But a funny thing happened while wading through shot after shot of that pale hayseed’s flesh: I realized that Sissy Spacek was actually super bangable.

This next paragraph might veer uncomfortably into the John’s Fetish Lane of the Sexuality Autobahn, but you’ve already read this far, so just tough your way through it and I promise a few more laughs down the line. Gingers rock. A lot of the Internet celebrates this, but not enough for this man’s taste. So when I saw this photo of Sissy, I had to give pause and reconsider my argument’s central premise. I mean, unless you’re Louis Farrakhan, that’s a good looking woman. And don’t even start me on this number, where Spacek bares those awesome, areolas-the-size-of-JFK’s-exit-wounds that gingers tend to pack. Yes, there are also photos where she looks like a six-year-old in a Woody costume or a blanket that two New Mexican teens would lose their virginity on in 1974, but the good outweighed the bad. Enough so that I had to admit Hollywood didn’t cast Rocky Dennis as Carrie the first time around, at least.

Now that the ginger jackthon is over, let’s get back to the point that’s still valid: Carrie didn’t need to get remade. The original was fine, and, more importantly, the property wasn’t hot enough that using the name Carrie will guarantee any sort of built-in audience. There’s also a good chance that there will be a, ham-handed cyber bullying theme tagged onto this one that obviously wasn’t present in the first, with Carrie getting her Facebook page spammed and negative comments showing up on her every Instagram photo. Oh, the travails of being a teen today.

Skip Carrie. Gravity is still in theaters, and that flick was amazing. In fact, until Gravity has left theaters, you really shouldn’t be watching anything else. Especially some superfluous nipple of a Hollywood remake that only exists because a studio smelled a few bucks in it and some actresses, a writer and a director needed a paycheck.

Tagged as: Movie Review.