Papa’s Member Fights Hurricane Sandy
All men like to think that their junk is something special. But they’ve got nothing on the super powers that mine possesses.
Q. Papa: My company holiday party is coming up and it turns out my girlfriend can’t make it that night. The problem is my co-workers are pressuring me into going so we can collectively blow off some steam and take advantage of as much free booze and food from corporate as possible. Do I suck it up and go stag, which is guaranteed to suck? Should I troll the hottest girls on my Facebook friend list until I find one that wants to get drunk for free, too? Any other ideas on finding someone to go with who won’t become a sloppy mess but looks nice enough in a skimp cocktail dress?
–Man’s Man in Miami
A. Man’s Man in Miami: Your problem is an interesting one because there are a variety of solutions, depending on how much fallout you’re willing to weather after the fact. I’ve compiled a list of all possible solutions below. More planning went into this than the Ocean’s 11 heist.
Option one is an escort. At first this sounds like a joke, but I’m assuming there are times escorts are actually used as exactly that and not vacuous cum-dumpsters. You and your buddies can all have a great laugh about it, the women of the office will be intrigued by your ability to pull a beautiful lady and, if you and your pals get drunk and horny enough, the option exists to get a hotel room, circle the wagons and turn her face into a Jackson Pollock painting. (PS–If you go with this option and all works well, tell me what agency you use. A buddy of mine would like to know.)
Option two is a Facebook friend. The problem with this is, if I’m picking a woman I am friends with who’s single enough to come out with me at night, have drinks and wear a dress that shows off her awesome boobage, I’m going to be trying to screw her the instant liquor even touches my glass. If you have the restraint to handle it, then go ahead, but a Facebook friend could get messy because either: 1. You’re going to make a move, she’ll say yes and then you end up cuckolding her bf/hubby and cheating on your own anchor. 2. You’re going to make a move, she’ll say no, and you and your Babe the Blue Balls will resent her for the rest of her days. 3. You won’t make a move, but will spend the next year fapping to the thought of her in a sexy dress or 4. You won’t make a move but a coworker of yours will and then you’re going to have to murder both him and the date who dishonored you. Two graves is a lot of digging even for Ronnie Coleman.
Option three is going stag, or, as I call it, “going”. (See, cause I never have a girl and all. Snap, nigga!) If you don’t want to cheat on your girlfriend, this is the smart option. If you even think you might slip up, go stag. Maybe you have more self-control than me. That wouldn’t be a hard thing to accomplish. (See this photo of me in front of a box of chocolate I wasn’t supposed to eat for reference. In all truth, though, free food, booze and friends should be enough to make an evening worthwhile. If it isn’t, then go into this planning to pull some strange and enjoy it.
It’s that time again where I have to solicit your questions so this column can continue. Click here to submit your inquiries via email. If you don’t, I’m going to build a glorious tree house sturdy enough to hold a grown man’s weight for the kids in my neighborhood…and then I’m going to hang myself in it and leave the little bastards to find my corpse. Don’t do that to them.
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