Cougar Life:The Catchiest Jingle You’ll Hate Yourself for Loving

Given my love of symphonic music, Osetras caviar and penchant for making love on the beaches of Saint-Tropez, it may shock you to learn that I enjoy something as base as The Howard Stern Show. Nonetheless, I log several hours a week listening to it, meaning I’m exposed to commercials from the show’s scant number sponsors ad nauseam. Normally, this wouldn’t be that big a deal, as I’d flip away after a few seconds to Opie and Anthony or another show, returning to Howard 15 minutes later when I knew the coast was clear. The problem lies in a jingle from a little company called Cougar Life that is maybe the catchiest thing since tuberculosis in a Honduran sweat shop. As soon as I hear it, I’m unable to flip away. Not only that, but I sing along, complete with the backup harmony vocals and bobbing my head along to the rhythm. Much like Telly, let me share my disease with you.

Tragically, I can’t locate an uncensored copy of the song, which replaces the word “date” with “bang,” taking matters to new heights of tastelessness. The worst part of it all is that the song is really, really well done. Obviously, the group responsible has some talent. (They sound exactly like the goddamn Donnas.) Yet, given the realities of having to make a living, they’re cranking out 30 second tunes about pummeling the leathery, beef jerky vaginas of former trophy wives. How conflicted must they have been when they landed this job? On one hand, they were probably dying call home and tell their parents they finally got a paying job as a musician and shove their success up mom and dad’s wizened old asses. On the other, they’re praying that mom doesn’t ask too many questions, so they can avoid hearing dad scream “She’s singing about what?” before hanging up. The entertainment industry is a toilet. Never forget it.

Tagged as: cougar life, howard stern.