My Apathy Toward March Madness Disgusts Me

I pride myself in a certain amount of sports knowledge and fandom, in part because I was a tubby, geeky pud as a kid, and being able to talk sports with my fellow geeky pud peers in the smart kid classes provided a shred of normalcy in our childhoods rife with vocabulary building and math drills. Yet, even as a youth trying desperately to fit in, I was utterly uninterested by college sports.

As time has gone by, I’ve learned to accept college football, and will view it in a pinch because football is God’s game and I would watch all four quarters of the Bud Bowl had they taken the time to animate them. But college basketball to this day does nothing for me. And my inability to enjoy March Madness takes me right back to being a little schlub doing logic puzzles on the playground.

I want to care. I want to. I just don’t. I have no rooting interest in any college basketball team. And those brackets. Oh, those goddamn brackets. Everyone up my ass for weeks via email or text: “Have you joined my league yet? Did you do your bracket?” Well, take your bracket, roll it up real tightly and shove it up your pee hole, because I didn’t.

The worst is getting hassled for money to join a bracket after I’ve explained my complete lack of college basketball knowledge to the person bugging me. “It’s only $20, don’t be cheap.” How would me losing money to have my lack of knowledge on a subject rubbed in my face be pleasurable on any level? You don’t see me begging you to challenge me in a porn star pop quiz. The outcome would be more lopsided than Super Bowl XXIV.

So enjoy March Madness if it’s your bag. I’ll just be over here peeing sitting down until Spring Training comes along.

Tagged as: college basketball, March Madness.