F You, Sonic the Hedgehog

I spent my elementary school years playing the Nintendo Entertainment System the way the Asian kids studied math. It was a glorious time. There were no system wars: You owned an NES or you were a bigger outcast than the children whose parents were divorced. And, then, a funny thing happened: The Super Nintendo was released, and, instead of it cementing Mario’s rule of the video game universe, an upstart little turd by the name of Sonic the Hedgehog, mascot of the Sega Genesis, appeared on the scene.


Suddenly, mine was a house torn asunder. I stayed loyal to the Mushroom Kingdom, knowing full well that Mario and the Super Nintendo were the light and the way. My younger brother, however, saw a chance to finally stand on his own. He foolishly cast his lot with Sega and Sonic. Where once there was peace, now there was civil war, brother pitted against brother, struggling to play different systems on the same tv.

It went on for months, me watching Will play Sonic the Hedgehog, Will watching me play Super Mario World. Tensions mounted to the point of ridiculousness. Finally, an armistice was declared. We would play each others’ systems. (Only when editing this article did I realize how much that line reads like we agreed to give each other Dutch Rudders.) After all, how could I deny someone the joy of eating koopas and pooping out eggs as Yoshi? And, well, I had to admit, Sonic looked kind of cool. So I let Will sit down and fire up the SNES. Mario, forgiving messiah that he is, welcomed him with open arms, treating him to hour upon hour of riveting game play. Then, it was time for my big reveal. I plugged in the Sonic cartridge, fired up the Genesis…and was greeted with one of the biggest disappointments of my video gaming career.


Sonic the Hedgehog was nothing but glorified pinball. The control was annoying and loose, the characters uninspired. Dr. Robotnik, the game’s antagonist, lacked any of Bowser’s appeal, coming off like a steampunk child molester. And don’t even start me on Tails the Fox. Yoshi pwnd that guy nine ways to Sunday. The only interesting thing about him was that I wondered if he had a second butthole to match his second tail. Since they never incorporated an ability into the game where he could fly above his opponents and defecate upon them, the question remained unanswered.


So f you, Sonic. I bartered away my Super Nintendo exclusivity rights to play your blue ass in what will go down in history as the biggest ripoff since we took Manhattan from the Red Man for some beads and blankets. May Mario’s triumph over you be glorious and eternal, you pezzo di merda.

Tagged as: mario, sonic the hedgehog, video games.