Free Room for Chores Indeed

Since leaving the world of radio a few months ago, I’ve gone nuts living back at home. The arrangement made sense while I was trying to make a go of it on-air, both because I was never home and radio pays wages so low that they would make an old-timey slave slap his knee and exclaim, “Oh my mercies, why I never thought I could afford to own me one of your kind!” before he purchased me as his “high yaller house boy.” Now that I make a living wage again, it’s time for me to re-fly the coup, which has led me to do a little house hunting on Craigslist. That’s where I came across this gem.

Hello, beautiful! For those unfamiliar with the area, Northern Virginia is a soulless, traffic-choked shithole. The only reason anyone would come here is the job market, which is robust in a time when the rest of our fellow Americans would perform sex acts that sound like they originated from Urban Dictionary to make ends meet. Due to that secure job market, the cost of living is ridiculously high, with the cheapest of efficiency apartments starting at $1,100. So if I had to make like this to save over a K a month, so be it. My eyes drifted to the picture of the room.

I play for Team Puts-Wiener-In-Vagina, but I can still recognize great decor when I see it. The pillows match that thingy on top of the curtains and the bed looks puffy and that desk looks…neat? Okay, I’m not so good at describing furniture, but I can recognize a room that would make a woman receptive to enduring the four minutes of sex I intended to inflict upon her, and this place fit the bill. So just what were these chores? I read on to the very first line of the post.

Way to skip the foreplay, buddy. Maybe I missed the memo, but I don’t recall bondage being part of the “chore” family. Never once growing up did I hear, “Young man, if you don’t tighten the clamps on Daddy’s nipples, don’t even think about dessert tonight!” In an instant, my dreams lay dashed, the housing hunt thrown back to square one. Doesn’t matter. I’ll probably get hit by a car, anyway.

A picture of the full post, which has since been taken down (I guess he found someone handy with a chain) can be seen here.

Tagged as: Craigslist.