How To Tell If They’re A Man Passionately Defending Their Honor Or A Hysterical Woman

1. Is he screaming on the stand? He’s a man. He wouldn’t feel emotion unless he had to. Defending his honor.

2. Crying on the stand because of something that allegedly happened decades ago? Whoa, lookout! Hysterical woman on the loose!

3. This took place when? Boys will be boys! My god, must a man answer for every bit of youthful hijinks? Maybe the owner of that cat I M80’d back then would like to sue me, too! Defending his honor!

4. Is she saying she doesn’t remember every inch of detail from an incident that took place 25 years ago? Sounds fishy to me. I can recite all of Goodfellas, and that’s more than 25 years old. Hysterical woman.

5. You know whose friends vouch for them? Good dudes. If Boomer says that sorostitute was sober enough, well, that works for me. Defending his honor!

6. Why is she bringing this up after so much time? Something must have wound her up. PMS? Hysterical woman (probably in need of chocolate).

7. Look, absolutely nothing went down that wasn’t cool with everyone involved. But what kind of woman even puts herself in that situation where something COULD happen, anyhow? A chick that wants attention! Just like she wants it now with this police report! Hysterical woman!

8. Wait, she went to the hospital to get a rape kit done? Oh, bravo, Meryl Streep. Way to commit to the bit. Level 10 hysterical.

9. Dude, would I be losing my shit right now like this if I had done it? Exactly! Jesus, can’t a man defend his honor anymore?!