I Survived My Vegas Vacation: Day 1, Part 4-I Promise This is It

I know, I know. At this point, the summary of the first day of my Vegas vacation has become one of those clown car dumps you take after spending the better part of the previous afternoon at the Golden Corral. (You know the type I’m talking about: They last 30 sustained seconds and, by the end of one, you’re certain you’re going to turn around and find the majority of your colon floating in the bowl, too.) I promise that this will be the end of it and, next time, I’ll have moved on to day two. It’s just that…well, I’m a big enough geek. The last thing I needed to do was let you think is that I got to my hotel and immediately trotted off to bed at 1 am while visiting our nation’s bordello like some impotent old retiree who drove there in an RV.

What actually happened was, once at the Hooters Casino Hotel, I immediately caught a second wind. Was it because my pulse was sent soaring by the striking Hooters Girls who, in Vegas, one would expect were the crème de la delightfully tacky yet unrefined crème? Sweet merciful Jesus, no. If anything, the women on staff were some of the least attractive I saw while on vacation which, while puzzling at first, makes sense once you realize there are countless better jobs for good looking women out there. There was literally one hot Hooters Girl in the building who was working some of the table games, and she revealed herself to be bowlegged after stepping out from behind her blackjack table. From behind, if it weren’t for her booty shorts, you’d have sworn you were watching John Wayne walk off into the sunset. Guess I know why they stuck something in front of her. Will and I went upstairs where we dropped our luggage and joined the third and final member of our party, my former college roommate Tony. The three of us decided the night was still young, so we decided to go out, walk the Strip and do some people watching.

Now, when I say “people watching,” I’m not talking anything sinister. My “watching” didn’t consist of aiming a high-powered lens at every open hotel window I could find with my heart full of sin and my pants around my ankles. I was simply curious to see how people behaved in a city that never closes where you can legally drink literally everywhere. And they didn’t disappoint. Before we had even reached the Strip, which was, at worst, five minutes from our front door, I witnessed an incredibly beautiful woman in the smallest black dress I’d ever seen on all fours…passionately retching her guts out. It was like watching my cat yack up her Meow Mix, except the girl was so loaded that she could barely keep her face off the pavement. The lack of distance from the point of impact caused the vomit to splash right back into her face, and it took every ounce of my willpower not to rape her laugh until the capillaries in my lungs burst, which would have made it appear I was dying of consumption.

Pukey set an unfairly high bar for the night, because no one else was that violently loaded. We spent the next 90 minutes enjoying the sights of the various casinos at night, finally calling it quits and walking over to Fatburger, another one of the fast food restaurants I was dying to visit while West, at 4 am. The dining experience was a triumph not only due to the food, but because there was a blonde with the most ridiculous implants I’d ever seen in the wild eating alongside us. While I’m not a fan of fake breasts on film, seeing them in person is a whole different matter. Every guy in the place was far too drunk to be remotely subtle and was staring at these things like a magic eye poster. It was a beautiful moment, and, in it, I felt a profound sense of peace with the universe and my fellow man. Amen.

We finally trudged back to our hotel around 5 am, and all three of us were asleep within moments. (Yes, there were three beds, lest you pieces of shit imagine us collapsing into one tangled, sweaty mess). My first day in Las Vegas had come to a close. What happened after that? Read to find out.

Tagged as: Fatburger, Las Vegas.