The Intercourse Papers – Death Candy

I figured I would write about all the offbeat women to which I beat off because, like most of the arts (for the purposes of these articles, sucking cock will be treated as a skill akin to talent with a paintbrush), I possess tastes a little off the beaten path (three uses of the word “beat” in the first sentence of a porn review. Go go Gadget Wit.) Sure, the average porn girl review could cover the Jenna Jamesons of the world, but, frankly, that’s not what I throttle the python to. No, I am completely and thoroughly addicted to amateur/semi-amateur porn.

What does that entail? Well, probably the most pro I go in my tastes in the entire Bang Bros network. Though they kinda treat their shoots like Jackass meets vaginal penetration and I would like to personally shoot execution style every last one of their wanna be Bam Margera male acting corps, these guys have taste in women. My god, the women. Every last one is built like a brick shizhaus. Women, if you had anxiety about the size of your tits before, go ahead and give their Big Tits Round Asses site a peek. Sure, a few might be packing a few extra lbs, but let it never be said that Greek men and black men don’t share a penchant for gigantic asses (I’m sure it’s one of the many features of Hellenistic culture we passed on to Egypt that they glommed on to and ran with. You’re welcome, world.)

So if that’s as pro as I go, just how un-pro do I dabble? Well, because night vision goggles are expensive and the last time I climbed a tree I was picking splinters out of my scrotum for a week, I keep it to your standard mix of cam girls and sites that house millions of pictures of drunken women flashing at various spring breaks/concerts/Mardi Gras or pics intended for their boyfriend’s eyes that he just happened to share with the world after the messy breakup (note to all the girlies that expose themselves to me, film sex acts with me or otherwise let me live out my twisted Bob Crane-like sex life: I don’t share anything that comes my way, as I think it is about as close to raping someone as you can get short of, well, cockstabbin’ them. That said, I have so little issue with rubbing one out to the pics that others upload that are born of that same privacy breach that there obviously have to be at least a few screws loose.)

With all that out of the way, the inaugural woman of John’s Porn Girls is: Death Candy of http://deathcandy.tk .

Death Candy is a chica that happens to pop up on a cam site I visit every so often (www.camwhores.com, where they give you enough free content to cum, but not enough to have one of those three hour sessions where you’re so happy afterward you don’t care that you forgot the tissues and had to leave a map of Hawaii on your gut). Every time this broad’s pics pop up on the front page, I go apeshit. For those of you that don’t know my taste in women, here is the checklist and how our lovely Death Candy stacks up.

*Long dark brown/black hair – check
*On the spectrum of milky white to olive skin tone – check
*Dark eyes – check
*Tits that make Jessica Rabbit look as flat as Keira Knightley – check
*Ass big enough to make Sir Mix a Lot shed a lone tear and sing “God Bless America” – check
*Hips wide enough that you can grab ’em during doggiestyle to keep her in place even though you’re slamming into her hard enough to “fuck God’s love out of her” – check (thanks to Carmen for that amazing expression)
*Height between 5’6” and 5’8” so I can breed out my own short Greek DNA but not so tall that she can stare me in the eye barefoot, which would afford her a li’l more power in the relationship than I’d like – unknown
*Sharp, sick wit that isn’t above making and/or laughing to jokes about touching kids, raping all objects animate and inanimate and making threats of defecating on family dogs – check
*Affinity for dorky/weird shit, not limited to: industrial/metal/punk music, old school video games, Magic: the Gathering, addiction to comedies like It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia-check
*Down for normal shit like: the gym, hip-hop and pop music (you better be able to sing “Maneater” word for word when it comes on whatever Top 40 station I’m blasting), NFL, hitting a bar (cause dorks that aren’t also normal are just, well, dorky) – check
*Penchant for rough/kinky sex not limited to: filming, extra girls in bed, hair pulling, choking – the bitch runs a cam site where she sucks hog on the regular. Double check. Fuck, triple check
*Bonus points for excessive tats/piercings (which, on the whole, I’m conflicted on. They’re kinda fun now but can you really long-term with a chick who has em? I mean, really, you want to be banging a 50 year old with two full sleeves doggiestyle as you try to pull the loose flesh on her back taught enough to read the tramp stamp that you’ve been staring at for the past 22 years every single time you banged her in that position? Of course, the logical reply is “Who wants to be banging a 50 year old?) – check

So there you have it. I am completely and utterly enamored with tall brunettes with the body of a porn star and the wit and personality of Dave Attell. Which, of course I deserve, being short, overweight and broke. Annnnnd suddenly I remember why I’m addicted to pornography in the first place.

Tagged as: Intercourse Papers.