Papa’s Basement Radio Show 11-5-12-The Halloween Aftermath
How did the Papa’s Basement gang spend their Halloweens? Listen and find out. I, for example, went out and drank with lots of hot girls in sexy costumes, the details […]
Q. Papa: My wife is awful. She makes my life a living Hell. How do I get rid of her without going to jail or giving her half my money? P.S. We have kid.–Eunuch of Undisclosed Location
A. Eunuch of Undisclosed Location: I have good news and bad news. The good news is, once you’re rid of your wife, you’re going to feel a hundred times better. I realize how much it has to suck being in love, then having it turn on you like a pet chimpanzee you thought was domesitcated, but it happens in life, and you have to pick up the pieces and move on. Christ, I’m still bitter I broke up with a girl that I bought a few $5 DVDs for on Amazon. Admittedly, I’m as Jewish as a person gets while still having a foreskin, but the prospect of losing half your finances would make even the WASPiest man flinch.
Since I take this column seriously, I talked to two lawyers about your situation. Sure, they were my friends, and by “talk to” I mean “asked them from the bathroom while I urinated with the door open after my eighth beer,” but they both agreed that it has everything to do with the state you live in. If you’re from Texas, great news: You can not only divorce your wife and keep all of your assets, but, as part of the settlement, she can be buried up to her neck in the sand and forced to have her skull devoured by fire ants. If you’re from California, guess what: You’re screwed. No way around it, you’re losing half your loot. It’s a no-fault state, which means you could have footage of the entire Los Angeles Lakers roster pumping your wife more full of cream than an éclair and the judge will say, “That’s nice. Leave me a copy on your way out the door to go pay half.”
My advice: Bite the financial bullet and ditch her, but be cunning about it. See all the divorce lawyers you can behind her back, all while making her think that the home life is hunky-dory. Then, when she’s at her weakest (maybe after a major surgery), bam, hit her with the papers. Hopefully, you can blindside her so badly that she’ll capitulate before she knows what happened. It might not have worked for the Japanese at Pearl Harbor, but God is on your side in this one. And, if it all fails, learn to quote this verbatim in between your sobs.
Have a question that requires the kinds of advice that a priest or parent would never be able to give? Then ask Papa. Click here to submit your inquiries via email. Your anonymity is completely protected.Hell, if I told you who “Eunuch of Undisclosed Location” is, you’d crap yourself. Hint: As of 11/5/12, he is the President of the United States of America.
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