History’s Ugliest Dictators
A few days ago, I thought to myself, “Is a face like an old hound dog’s asshole a prerequisite for being a dictator?” Why would I think such a thing? […]
Yesterday, in honor of Muammar Gaddafi, I composed a list of history’s ugliest dictators. Not ugly in some sort of Namby Pamby, they have evil, disgusting souls sense: I’m talking they overthrew governments because they couldn’t get a prom date. The article ran out of space, so today I present more men who can’t even manage to look attractive in a propaganda poster. Feel free to use their visages in place of thoughts of baseball to last longer in bed.
I feel like such a fool. All these years, here I was believing that the Vietnam War was fought due to the United States’ belief in the domino theory, when it turns out we simply wanted to reclaim Colonel Sanders’ beard for the South. While Ho (haha, ho) might not have the worst features, he has the grin of a sex offender. Plus, as a man who takes the time to groom his facial hair, I don’t appreciate Ho looking like he stapled the paper from Bea Arthur’s last bikini wax onto his Communist mug. It gives a bad name to all who sport follicles on their face.
Honestly, Ayatollah Khomeini isn’t that bad looking a guy. After a quick shave and 14 hours of eyebrow threading, he probably cleans up nicely. What I cannot forgive, however, is his uncanny resemblance to every male’s heterosexual, riddled-with-daddy-issues man-crush, Sean Connery.
Really, has no one looked into this? Because, from where I’m sitting, one of the West’s biggest opponents has infiltrated us for years using a disguise so shitty it makes Clark Kent’s glasses look brilliant by comparison. If he tries to advise a young imam by telling him that “Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen,” the jig is up.
Now here is one ugly sonofabitch. His skull looks like a UFO made of hair crashed into the back of it at an angle. And that mole…my God, that mole. It is so massive it casts a shadow. Literally. I don’t say it lightly, but Lemmy might lose that pissing contest.
Let’s just call this money-grubbing tyrant what he is: A damn dictator. For years, George Lucas has seen fit to unnecessarily tinker with and revise precious chapters in dork history, and has just confirmed that he will be doing so again with the Blu-ray release of the original Star Wars trilogy. The more time goes by, the more I realize that Lucas is bereft of new ideas (or storing them all in his neck waddle) and has no clue what made his original films so great to begin with. The least he could do is stop screwing with them.
Look for more articles in the future on this subject. There’s no way I can remain silent regarding the face of Mwai Kibake for long.
Dimley on September 2, 2011
“Return of the Jedi
1. Naboo has been added to the end celebration montage.
2. Actor Hayden Christensen appears as the ghost of Anakin Skywalker at the end of the film.”
It’s never too late to reopen the Nuremberg Trials.