More Unfortunate Fallout From The Dark Knight Rises Shootings

When asked by Adrian why he’s a boxer, Rocky replies, “Because I can’t sing and dance.” Luckily for us, Mr. Balboa was muscular and on a date, because, increasingly, the means by which skinny guys who aren’t getting laid and can’t sing and dance get the attention they crave seems to be shooting a bunch of people. Tragically, four guys who were getting laid – Jon Blunk, Matt McQuinn, Alex Teves and John Larimer – lost their lives as a result of this. What makes their passing even worse is the selective way in which the four men are going to be remembered.

Jon, Matt, Alex and John died shielding their girlfriends from gunfire. Sacrificing yourself so another person can live is as noble as human deeds get. By comparison, I consider myself a hero because I once gave my cat a suppository. I didn’t even “accidentally” slip and touch her butthole or anything, but just seeing it take a pill was traumatic enough. The problem is that every girl online is already posting about these guys on their Facebook, Twitter or whatever else they can use to blast their vapid thoughts to their equally vapid friends, saying things to the effect of, “I wish my boyfriend were like this” or “I’ll never meet a man like that.”

You dolty cunts. Stop trying to view a tragedy through the prism of romance. There is nothing beautiful about four men not yet out of their twenties dying for women who are going to eventually go on with their lives, meet other guys, have babies with them and spend the rest of their days either emotionally dead inside or, worse, hurling in the face of their current spouse how he’ll never live up to their dead ex whenever the poor bastard is slow to cut the lawn or take out the trash. Life isn’t Titanic. It isn’t the three hours building up to Leonardo DiCaprio dying because he was mesmerized by Rose’s bullet nips. It’s all the boring shit that comes after that moment, which they didn’t make a movie about. So for every moron trying to boil this tragedy down to something she can post alongside her You’re only as strong as the tables you dance on… wallpaper, go to Hell.

Hungrily yours,

Johnny Papa