Reviewing The Family Without Having Seen It

When did Robert De Niro quit? Because he did. There came a time, at some point, where he thought to himself, “I’ve given the world Jake LaMotta, Vito Corleone, Rupert Pupkin, Travis Bickle: Now it’s time to collect paychecks and bang sweet, black ass. Where is the script for Fockers in Space?”

And that’s fine. De Niro has done more for men in regards to acting than anyone I can think of. He’s now like Ali minus the shakes: I revere what he once was and would never expect him to set foot in a ring once more. If he has to churn out some piece of crap every year to pay the bills, he’s earned that right. I’m perfectly happy to catch a 1 am airing of Casino and call it a night.

So when I saw that The Family starred Bobby D and was made after 1998, I knew immediately that it had to suck. Then I learned the plot: A former mafioso joins the witness protection program along with his wife and children, who just can’t seem to escape their thuggish ways. Christ. In the pantheon of hack movie premises, only talking babies and struggling sports teams helped out by the new kid in school rank higher.

Every part of this movie is bad except for Michele Pfeiffer, whose brains I’ve wanted to screw out of her skull ever since Batman Returns. (Yes kids, to those worried Ben Affleck will mess up the franchise, the Bat was once played by Mr. Mom). Up until she returned to the scene in that equally massive pantload Dark Shadows last year, I assumed Michele managed to Meg Ryan her face and that was the reason we hadn’t heard from her. It’s good to see her still looking like the wiry piece of ass she is. I’d apply her Estrace with my tongue any day of the week.

Avoid The Family. Go if you have to, like you’re taking a girl on a second date and you don’t want to really give her the business with a rental of Last Tango in Paris, but short of that, stay the Hell away. Pop on Taxi Driver, remember the good days and then plot to kill President Reagan to impress Jodie Foster. Google that if you don’t get it. It’s worth it. Unlike most of my references.

Tagged as: Movie Review.