NFL Playoffs-Week 1-One for Effing Four

“You’re gonna listen to me? To something I said? Hasn’t it become abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don’t know shit?”
–Brodie, Mallrats

In this man’s estimation, the first two rounds of the NFL playoffs* are the greatest two weekends of the year. Four football games-two Saturday, two Sunday-of single-elimination competition. You can veg out on the couch both days and justify it to yourself because sports must be watched live. And, if I’m keeping it real, I love any form of excusable sloth I can get my hands on.

I don’t fancy myself some amazing sports handicapper: Johnny the Greek I ain’t. But I’d like to think I know a thing or two about football, which is why I’m so pissed about my performance picking the games over the weekend, an abysmal one for four. I’ll excuse myself on New Orleans’ loss because not even Nostradamus saw that one coming, but I also failed to call Mongo Manning, king of the Forehead tribe, knowing defeet at the hands of Rex Ryan and company (there will be at least one foot fetish pun for every week the Jets remain in the playoffs) and predicted that Ron Mexico would get the best of Michael Scott.

As for next week, I like the Ravens over the Steelers, the Patriots over the Jets, the Falcons over the Packers and da Bears over the Seahawks. So put your money on those guys. Just remember there’s a reason I quoted Mr. Brodie before you do.

* It is no longer physically possible for me to speak the word “playoffs” without imitating Jim Mora. So anytime you read the word “playoffs,” just know that’s how I’m saying it.