Picking the Oscars With a Moron

Mine is a life of dichotomies. I log countless hours at the gym yet have a booth on reserve at the Great American Buffet. I love sex, yet panic after every fling that I’ve both impregnated the woman I slept and contracted HIV. And I know no greater rush than gambling, but will weep like a moneylender the moment I lose a dime.

Outside of years of therapy, I’m unaware of a solution to those first two problems. But this website has provided me an outlet for my gambling jones, and so now you’re going to have to sit through me picking the Oscars because I would lay money on the sun not coming up tomorrow if you gave me good enough odds. I’m only subjecting you to my picks in the big six categories because even my addictions have their bounds. Oh, and, for the record, I’ve seen two of these films, tops. But why let that stand in the way?

Best Supporting Actress

Bérénice Bejo, The Artist

Jessica Chastain, The Help

Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids

Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs

Octavia Spencer, The Help

I wish the award would go to Melissa McCarthy because she actually had some funny moments in Bridesmaids, but comedies have always been the n-bomb of the Academy, so it ain’t gonna happen. (For the record, I meant the n-word ending in a hard r, not a playful “a” as those rappers are wont to use.) Jessica Chastain is screwed because there’s no way a white chick from The Help is winning over a black chick from The Help (though I’d laugh my ass off if it happened). I’m going to go with Janet McTeer because she has the same weird face that all supporting actress winners do. Plus a pair of comically large tits that I’d love to see crammed into a low-cut dress. Seriously, take a look. Those things make Dolly Parton look Asian.

Best Supporting Actor

Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn

Jonah Hill, Moneyball

Nick Nolte, Warrior

Christopher Plummer, Beginners

Max von Sydow, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

They won’t give it to Nick Nolte because he’s insane and might shit on the stage like a dog. These things run long enough without the time it’d take to wipe down the stage. Christopher Plummer and Max von Sydow both have that generic old person face and people might confuse them, so they’re out. I’m going to go with Jonah Hill over Kenneth Branagh because a few people were upset that Hill didn’t win the Golden Globe even though by now it’s quite evident that literally any comedic actor can handle a dramatic role. People, sadness comes naturally to comedians. Do you think someone learns how to get laughs for reasons other than feeding a ravenous, all-consuming void in the middle of your soul where other individuals have things like self-esteem and contentment? OH NO, SOUND THE SAD CLOWN ALARM!

Best Actress

Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs

Viola Davis, The Help

Rooney Mara, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady

Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn

I really doubt Meryl Streep wins this because she must have 14 Oscars by now. Maybe I’m missing something, but there’s no way Michelle Williams doesn’t get the “I’m Sorry Your Husband Died While Doing Painkillers and Fucking Michelle Tanner” award.

Best Actor

Demián Bichir, A Better Life

George Clooney, The Descendants

Jean Dujardin, The Artist

Gary Oldman, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Brad Pitt, Moneyball

I dunno who Demián Bichir is, but he sounds like a goddamn Bond villain, so I’m ruling him out.
While the Golden Globe went to George Clooney, I’m thinking this is a tossup between Gary Oldman and Brad Pitt. Oldman is an option because he’s brilliant and this is shamefully his first nomination. Pitt might win because the Academy loves giving the award to pretty people. It’s the same way a rich guy would crow about his worthless trophy wife having actually done something in life other than have 34 D tits and weighing 110. Shut up, we get it, she started a campaign to clean up all the dog crap in the neighborhood. Call me when she cures lupus.

Best Director

Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist

Alexander Payne, The Descendants

Martin Scorsese, Hugo

Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris

Terrence Malick, The Tree of Life

I actually caught The Tree of Life. If I had terminal cancer, I’d want to live out the rest of my days watching that movie on loop, because it made 2 hours feel like 47 years. Alexander Payne will win this because I’ve heard nothing but great things about The Descendants
 and they already tossed Scorsese his consolation Oscar for The Departed a few years ago. Note: I didn’t consider 
Michel Hazanavicius because I’m not sure if that’s a man or a woman and didn’t want to waste my time Googling to make sure I used the proper pronouns.

Best Picture

The Artist

The Descendants

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

The Help

Hugo

Midnight in Paris

Moneyball

The Tree of Life

War Horse

Hmm, which will win? A movie about a game, a horsie, or a terrorist attack that claimed thousands of lives and is still an open wound in our collective psyches to this day? There is no way Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
 doesn’t bag this one. Hollywood is already sensitive to being called a bunch of liberal douches. You really think they’re going to pick something with the word “Paris” in the title over a 9/11 flick? Oklahoma already has papers drawn up to secede from the Union if they do.

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Tagged as: academy award, oscar.