Papa’s Basement 3-4-13-Pat Robertson and the Snow Gays
This week Pat Robertson asserted that, “(The recent abundance of) snow is God’s way of punishing were planning to drive to do something gay (thanks to Irina for the story). […]
This might sound weird because I look reasonably caucasian, but The Wizard of Oz meant nothing in my household. I saw the movie once as a child. It was at a neighbor’s house, and the the only thing I remember is that his dog Sasha took a white shit on the carpet in the middle of the movie, which amused me far more than anything occurring onscreen. That white shit is one of my first and most vivid memories, and I could sketch it for you more easily than I could my mother’s face. (I suppose part of that is because drawing a turd isn’t difficult.) The urge to turn the rest of this article into an investigation of that ivory dump is tremendous. What did Sasha eat? Was she sick? If I wanted to, could I make my pets take shits like hers? But I have a review to write. And write it I shall.
I assume Oz the Great and Powerful exists within the universe of The Wizard of Oz as a prequel, meaning it’s rife with horrible nods to the original, like James Franco takes a piss on the Tin Man and that’s why he’s rusty when Dorothy finds him. Honestly, I don’t care because not only do I have zero affection for TWOO, but I also really hate James Franco. His chinky-eyed stoner appeal to the ladies is completely lost on me. Christ do they love him, though. He’s the type of prick where you and your girlfriend of three years bump into him in a restaurant the night you plan on proposing. Two hours later she’s run off to suck his unbathed dick in a bathroom stall and three hours later she’s standing in front of you, weeping as he says “Yeah, Meghan is a great girl, so relax, because this was all part of Gaea’s plan,” and you don’t know to punch him because he’s ruined your life or because her name’s Lisa.
You might assume the presence of Mila Kunis could get me interested in Oz the Great and Powerful, but then you’d have made an ass of you and me. (Also, you’d be wrong.) Sure, Kunis is pretty as all hell and skinny enough that you’d feel like Superman tossing around Lois Lane in bed with her, but grown men don’t watch films without rampant nudity to be titillated. Well, let me rephrase that: Grown men with normal libidos don’t go to a theater for that. Pedophiles must have turned the seats in front of them to egg drop soup during that Karate Kid remake. My God the abs on that Jayden Smith. But a normal man looking to get off will skip a shitty kid’s movie and view what’s colloquially known as “pornography” until he achieves an “erection” and will then “masturbate” with his “hand” until he “ejaculates”. (I don’t know why I felt the quotation marks classed that up.)
Still want to see Oz the Great and Powerful? Type “Bruce Campbell cameo Oz the Great and Powerful” into the YouTube search engine instead. This clunker was directed by Sam Rami, so you know such The Chin had a scene, and I’m sure it’s the only reason to see it. Kinda like Sharon Stone’s gash in Basic Instinct but with fewer blonde pubes.
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