Patrick Stewart Campaigning for Assisted Dying Makes Me Uncomfortable

Yesterday, I spent two of my six non-porn-related online minutes reading this article about Patrick Stewart and his efforts to get assisted dying (apparently “assisted suicide” isn’t PC anymore) legalized in the U.K. And, while I’m totally on his side in the matter, there’s something about an old guy crusading for the right to die that creeps the living shit out of me. Especially when it’s Picard.


Think about it: NORML is an organization that strives to legalize marijuana. Who is going to be passionate about that other than potheads? There’s a little group by the name of NAMBLA, which stands for “North American Man/Boy Love Association.” I’m going to go out on a limb and say their ranks include a lot of guys who own vans with tinted windows and have promised many kids many puppies. So to hear that Jean-Luc is crusading for old people to be able to croak with dignity makes me worry he’s planning on beaming up in the not-too-distant future, which would really bum me out.


99 percent of the time when a celebrity dies, I could care less. They’ve usually lived long past their window of creative relevance and, while it’s always sad when a person shuffles off this mortal coil, well, sometimes it isn’t quite that sad. I mean, if Glenn Danzig popped off tomorrow, I think we could all go to sleep safe in the knowledge that the man probably didn’t have another “Mother” up his sleeve. Picard is one of the few celebs whose passing would actually get me down, like Johnny Cash’s did or (God forbid) Arnold Schwarzenegger’s one day will. So hang in there, Patrick. Because if William Shatner outlives you, he becomes the greater captain by default. And that simply cannot happen.