Predator‘s Original Costume Almost Ruins the Movie. Almost.

The movie Predator is what taught me to be a man. My dad cashed in his chips at the Above Ground Casino when I was 20 and I was left looking for role models to fill in. After reading The New Encyclopedia of Modern Bodybuilding, I decided Arnold Schwarzenegger was the guy I was going to emulate. He was fit, he was famous and he was rich. So what if he dumped his seed inside a Guatemalan maid who looks like Paul Ben-Victor in drag? Sometimes, you have to get the poison out. And PBV rocks.

Predator is, top to bottom, Arnold’s most testosterone-laden film, to the point women shouldn’t watch it while ovulating to avoid unwanted pregnancy. Every single dude in that flick looks like a stone-cold killer. I would rather reenact this stunt from Die Hard With a Vengeance than mess with them. But a movie like Predator is only as good as its villain. And, thanks to the video below, I learned how narrowly Predator avoided sucking dog dick. Watch and learn. And then give thanks.

Horrible. Like Ultraman fucked Thing 1 and Thing 2. I understand that wasn’t the actual suit to be worn in the film, but I’m still chilled to the bone. Although how cool would it be to own that suit, cut a hole for your erect penis and chase your girlfriend around the house in it? You’d save a small fortune in the lobster she would be too disgusted to ever eat again.