The Redskins Must Sign Peyton Manning

The Redskins organization, if it knows what’s good for it, will sign Peyton Manning. It’s a move surrounding by questions: Is Peyton healthy? Are the Redskins ready to contend? Is an almost-36-year-old quarterback worth it? As I see it, the answers are: Irrelevant, no and yes (but not for the reasons you think he is). So why do I want Peyton Manning on the Redskins? To shut the team’s retarded fanbase the fuck up for a few years while it can properly rebuild.

Winning the Super Bowl is akin to enjoying a massive, farm-fresh feast at the end of harvest season. After countless hours cultivating the fields and making sure the produce and livestock he raised were in perfect harmony, a successful farmer gets to devour the fruit of his bounty, and nothing in the world tastes sweeter.

For years, teams like the Patriots, Giants and Steelers have been farms helmed by the wisest, most successful farmers in the league.Conversely, the Redskins have spent 20 years trading their farming equipment magic beans, and now they’re left eating a bag of McDonald’s alone in the middle of acres of empty land, thinking to themselves, “Wait, I want what those guys are having.”

I want Peyton Manning signed to the Redskins because trading for Robert Griffin III will cost them, at minimum, four draft picks that could help rebuild a team that is shockingly depleted on multiple fronts. Mongo, the Man of Several Foreheads, comes at a cost zero draft picks. Which means more rebuilding, even if it costs Dan Snyder a few bucks to have Peyton stick around while it happens (win-win!). Manning is a shiny red tractor that will keep the yokels in awe for a few years while Farmer Shanahan gets the time he needs to finally plant some crops and make Redskins Farm look more fertile than a World War I battlefield. HTTR.

Tagged as: Dan Snyder, NFL, Peyton Manning, Washington Redskins.