Reviewing Resident Evil: Retribution Without Having Seen It

In the history of movie making, two good horror films have been produced: The Exorcist and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. There might be a few others I genuinely respect that I’m forgetting, but I enjoy starting off articles with grandiose, pompous statements that inflame and titillate.

Despite my prejudice against the horror genre (which we all know is lower than pornography on the entertainment totem pole), I found the original Resident Evil entertaining–no small feat considering it is not only a horror movie but a horror movie based on a video game. (Movies based on video games make horror films look like the works of Ingmar Bergman by comparison. If you don’t believe me, check this list of video game movies and scroll down to the “International” section. Those Rotten Tomatoes aggregate scores are abysmal.) The real problem with Resident Evil: Retribution is that it’s the fifth Resident Evil movie. They couldn’t even make three good Godfathers, yet someone got their balls big enough to take Resident Evil to the big cinco.

There’s nothing really to discuss about RE: R. It’s going to be an awful movie. You know it. I know it. Inanimate objects incapable of awareness know it. It’s rated R, so you might see Milla Jovovich naked, but we have the Internet now and that can bring us nude starlets instantaneously. I’ll even do the work for you–click this for the results of a Google search of the words “Milla Jovovich naked.”

At this point, I think Resident Evil movies are being made because their director, this hobgoblin, met Milla (whom he’s now married to) on the set of the first film and realizes that kitty is going to dry up the instant he can no longer provide big movies for her to star in. It’s like the Leslie Mann-Judd Apatow marriage, except Judd Apatow is talented and Milla is younger than Leslie, making Jovovich both a better actress and a better human being. Avoid going to see Resident Evil: Retribution. Unless you want to broadcast to the world that you are an idiot, in which case, I can think of no better means.

Tagged as: Movie Review.