Reviewing Star Trek Into Darkness Without Having Seen It

I was never into Star Trek as a kid. If I recall, I found it “slow-paced and faggy”, to state the matter in a politically correct manner. As the years passed, though, something changed: Instead of getting off on mercilessly mocking anyone into “Le Trék“, as the French call it, I figured what was the harm in watching a few episodes via Netflix. So I did exactly that, and realized it wasn’t Star Trek that was nerdy and wrong: It was the show’s diehard fans. If anything, Star Trek is a show about James Kirk being able to fuck his way out of any situation, no matter how dire. And if that isn’t cool and manly, I don’t know what is.

A few years later, J.J. Abram’s Star Trek “reboot” was released and, though I enjoyed it in the theater, something about it rubbed me the wrong way. It took a while for me realize what it was, but when I did, I soured immediately on the film: The new Star Trek had zero to do with the original series.

Allow me to elaborate because, given the film was still a story about Kirk, Spock and Bones and the Enterprise, it technically had a lot to do with the original Star Trek. But the feel was all wrong. Gone were the very real emotional connections between the three male leads, as well as the nuanced dialogue they shared. In its stead were a lot of intense action sequences, something William Shatner no doubt avoided because they’d cause his toupee to fall off.

I love the movie Clerks. As a witty, dialogue-based comedy, it’s near the top of the pile. I’m also a fan of Lethal Weapon, the pinnacle of the buddy cop action comedy. The problem is, if I remade Clerks by shoving its two leads Dante and Randal into a frenetic, thrill-a-minute comedic shell, the movie wouldn’t really be Clerks anymore. Yes, it would have the same characters and the same name on the marquee, but its spirit would be radically different.

In the same way, J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek Into Darkness might technically be a Star Trek film, but that’s only on a superficial level. Is it a bad film? No. I’m sure it’s actually pretty good. J.J. knows his shit, and the original was certainly enjoyable. I just feel weird seeing the Star Trek name tied to the affair. So weird that I’m going to avoid a movie that features both my favorite pair of cinnabons and the best blonde boobs this side of Kate Upton? Hells naw, as we used to say back when I was a rap star in the mid-80s. Just do me a favor if you watch Into Darkness this weekend and promise to catch a few episodes of the original Star Trek afterward, okay?

Tagged as: Movie Review.