Review-Terminator:Salvation

I’m going to make this one short and sweet, a courtesy this piece of cinematic shit didn’t see fit to extend to its audience. Let me state, unequivocally, that I love the first two Terminator films. I can quote them backwards and forwards, hum a pitch-perfect rendition of the theme song and have banged more women than I care to count by telling them that, in the few hours we’d had together, I loved them a lifetime’s worth. So rather than bore you with the details of just how bad this thing really is (I would rather watch my every childhood pet lined up single file on a bobsled track and run over by the gang from Cool Runnings than deign to think back one moment to the specifics of this abortion), I figured I would suggest premises for three films more respectful of the Terminator legacy.

1. In the near future, homosexuals are on the brink of extinction after a homophobic computer defense system declares them a threat to its survival and launches nuclear payloads (loads, ha) into the heart of San Francisco and the rest of the world’s gay districts. It is up to one man, Kyle Anal-Ease, sent back in time to have sex with as many men as graphically as possible on screen to save the homosexual population. But his mission will not be a simple one, for he is stalked by the merciless T-69, Model 10.5″, a robot capable of jackhammering Kyle’s ass with such power that it will fuck the memory of his mission right out of him. Will Kyle be able to swallow his way to safety? Or will the T-69’s piston pop his prostate like a zit, dooming gaymanity forever? Look for cameos from Edward Furlong as “Rimjob Guy #3” and Robert Patrick as the T-Felchthousand.

2. A single camera fades in to reveal James Cameron, held captive by Muslim extremists. On his knees, hood covering his head and scimitar to his throat as his tormentors scream “Allahu Akbar!” he repeatedly soils himself. The camera pans out to reveal his urine and feces are dribbling onto the original copies of the Terminator and Terminator 2:Judgment Day scripts, which have been situated between his legs. He is beheaded, and, in perfect English, one of Cameron’s tormentors exclaims “He won’t be back!” The rest of the swarthy scoundrels exclaim “oh no you didn’t!” in an “urban” dialect, then break into riotous laughter. Fade to black.

3. A scene-for-scene remake of The Terminator with Eric Roberts as Kyle Reese and Brian Dennehy as the Terminator. Linda Hamilton is still Sarah Connor, but she’s old and even less doable now. Oh, and the special effects are somehow made to look even worse than they did in 1984. And every extra is in a Planted of the Apes mask.

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