Reviewing This Is the End Without Having Seen It

I’m going to take a different approach to today’s review (and be funny for once) and go through This Is the End‘s Wikipedia entry line by line, commenting the choice bits.

This Is the End is an upcoming apocalyptic comedy film…

This is not a real genre. I know Shaun of the Dead exists, but that doesn’t make “apocalyptic comedy” any more real. The Empire Strikes Back didn’t invent the “Forced-Based Space Action-Drama” genre, did it?

…directed by Evan Goldberg and Seth Rogen, and written by Rogen, Goldberg, and Jason Stone…

Glad to see a certain religious group finally getting their shot in tinseltown.

…The film stars [the following] as fictional versions of themselves in the aftermath of a global apocalypse:

James Franco…

I could not hate James Franco more. Every girl wants to gargle with his unshaven, stoner dick’s seed, but the appeal escapes me. He looks like he’s going to nod off like a junkie and burn himself with his cigarette at any given moment.

…Jonah Hill…

Belushi he ain’t. Let’s leave it at that. And I’m not a big fan of Belushi.

…Seth Rogen…

Don’t really understand Seth’s appeal, either. He plays a mildly stoned everyman in every movie. Call it a hunch, but I’m guessing in real life he isn’t secretly a straight edge, self-taught academic. Good to see him cutting the shit and admit he’s just playing himself in this one.

…Jay Baruchel…

I like Jay a lot (this is what he looks like because, admit it, you forgot). The guy actually tries to act and, unlike Hill and Rogen, he doesn’t assume everything coming out of his mouth is automatically funny. No, Jay *gasp* actually tries to speak funny lines! Novel concept, I know.

…Danny McBride…

Danny McBride can deliver two performances: Kenny Powers and Kenny Powers with a bad ye olden tymes accent. I’m dying with anticipation to see which one we get.

…Craig Robinson…

Craig was enjoyable on The Office and also had great moments in Eastbound and Down. I suppose I’d burn out on him if he got the exposure of Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen, but he’s a black guy in Hollywood, so we’re safe.

…Emma Watson…
Guess what, folks? Hermione ain’t sexy. She’s pretty, but it’s more a testament to our tubby times that any broad who’s slim with a pretty face is an automatic 8.5. You only have the hots for her because you saw her like this first. It’s okay. We all have our pet projects. I remember seeing the mixed broad at the end of Love Actually and thinking to myself “Add x years, where x = age of consent – subject’s current age, and you’re gonna have a right piece o’ass.” You could say that I won, but we’re all winners there.

…Michael Cera…

See what I said about Danny McBride above and remove the version with the accent. Michael Cera is the biggest one-note out there. When did acting become playing yourself and not giving two shits about having an inch of range? YOU ARE NOT WOODY ALLEN!

I could go on and on. There’s also Jason Segel, Paul Rudd, McLovin and Rihanna, among others. And I’m sure the movie will have some laughs. But if you’re hardcore into comedy, it won’t satisfy. You know why? Because these “funny” actors won’t have the balls to really eviscerate each other and go for the throat. There is humor in truth. And the problem with this movie is it will pretend to give you the “truth” about these actors, but it won’t. You want to know what funny sounds like? It’s a bunch of brilliant comedians tearing each other to shreds in the wake of the death of their close friend. Listen to that entire episode of Opie & Anthony, then watch This Is the End and tell me if you get more than three chuckles.

Tagged as: Movie Review.