Reviewing That Awkward Moment Without Having Seen It

I’m getting old. It’s an undeniable fact. And getting old comes with plenty of downside. I’m graying. My hair’s thinning, too. My capacity for physical exertion seems reduced. To be honest, I’m a few years removed from my body becoming a complete dumpster fire.

But there are perks to being old. Perks like curmudgeonhood. I’ve spent my entire life thinking that everything currently being produced is worse than the things that proceeded it, and now I’m old enough to really give that claim some gravitas. A 17-year-old saying “music used to be so much better” sounds like a twat. But a guy in his early 30s saying it? He’s been around a bit! Maybe he’s on to something! Not that it takes any sort of age-acquired wisdom to deduced That Awkward Moment is a hot piece of shit. A baby could tumble out of it’s mother’s womb three months months premature and its three instincts would be to breathe, stay warm and never watch this movie.

None of the three leads hold any appeal to me. The only role I want to see Zac Efron in is “guy who visits police sketch artist and recounts graphically what Vanessa Hudgens looks like down there.” I remember Michael B. Jordan from The Wire where he fantastically played the teenage drug dealer Wallace. Where’s Wallace, D’Angelo? Apparently starring in shitty movies to pay the bills. And the goofy doofus clutching a teddy bear like a victim of molestation I literally have no idea about. Is he from SNL? Did he do something on MTV? I guess he’s here to fill the “guy with weird nose that you see around for 18 months” role occupied by Breckin Meyer in my day.

The singular funny thing about That Awkward Moment is that the female lead is named Imogen Poots. Imogen Gay Poots. I’m not making that up. She sounds like a ghost from Harry Potter that’s cursed to queef its way for all of eternity through the Hufflepuff section of Hogwarts. She’s also cute, in that “Holy shit, they still make people that white?” sort of way.

Everything that is wrong with movies, That Awkward Moment manages to be. If I wanted to create a real awkward moment, I’d make you read the line “the only awkward moment would be buying a ticket to That Awkward Moment,” but I’m choosing not to kick your dignity in its genitals. Just stay away. If you have to see a date movie, go watch Her instead. It’s intellectually stimulating, emotionally powerful and features Scarlett Johansson having phone sex. Having to leave the theater to adjust your pants so your girlfriend doesn’t see you got an erection from hearing a robot phone bone? Now that’s an awkward moment.

Tagged as: Movie Review.