Reviewing Hot Tub Time Machine 2 Without Having Seen It

I watched the first Hot Tub Time Machine in a theaters, and I’m not embarrassed to admit that (though I probably should be). As I recall, I was hanging out with a friend of mine and I randomly had one of those existential moments where the meaningless of existence is thrust upon you like the tip of a colonoscope and you’d rather watch footage of ISIS beheading your pets than be forced to think about it a second longer. 15 minutes later, we were plopped in front of HTTM and I was able to dodge my fear that I’ve squandered my brief time on this planet by definitively wasting an hour and a half of it.

As for what happened during the original Hot Tub Time Machine, I couldn’t have told you five seconds after I walked out of the theater. It was one of the most forgetful things I’ve ever viewed, and I sat through all eight seasons of Dexter. One can surmise there was time travel accessed via a hot tub, but that’s as helpful as me staring at the cover of Old Yeller, then telling you the movie is about something named Old Yeller, and it’s probably the dog because the only humans named “Old Yeller” are biracial, octogenarian Southern men.

Since the plot is obviously asinine and of zero consequence to the film’s enjoyment factor, and I doubt the script is going to get confused with that of My Dinner With Andre anytime soon, let’s talk about the cast. First, we have Craig Robinson. While I find Craig funny enough and enjoyed him both on The Office and Eastbound And Down, I’m willing to wager that you’ve never said to yourself, “You know what I need in my life? 90 minutes of that paunchy, piano playing bastard.” Of course, 20 minutes of anyone on-screen in a comedy and I’m thinking to myself, “Why am I not as famous as this talentless asshole and instead writing about him from my mother’s house, in which I live at age 33?,” so your mileage with the man may vary. There’s also Rob Corddry, who I was ambivalent about until I learned while typing this has an extra, confusing “d” in the middle of his last name for no reason, so fuck him. Oh, and don’t forget this guy. I don’t know his name, but I’m legitimately convinced he’s just this other guy whose name I don’t know in a wig and fake eyebrows.

All of this sounds like I’m lining up to drop a gargantuan deuce upon Hot Tub Time Machine 2, but I don’t judge comedy the same way I do a drama. As long as a comedy provided a few laughs, it got the job done, whereas a drama, unless it’s strongly compelling from start to finish, I’ll consider a failure. Maybe it’s because comedy needs only to intermittently provide its hallmark visceral thrill (in this case, laughs), much like a slasher film need only provide a few scares and pornography needs only arouse. No one wipes off and walks away from a porn clip they just jerked off to thinking, “Well, yes, I came. But did I have cum better?” Nope. It’s a binary. “Am I skulking off to flush semen-filled tissues and disgusted with myself? Yes? Success!”

So, while I’m guaranteeing you that HTTM2 is no classic, it will probably give you a laugh or two. And if it doesn’t, well, this is probably the wrong website for you, Eustance Tilley . Go play some polo and hunt your manservant for sport.

[adToAppearHere]

Tagged as: Movie Review.