Reviewing Need For Speed Without Having Seen It

The least-believable part of Breaking Bad was this was the hairline of a kid fresh out of high school.

No one is going to watch Need For Speed. It’s based on some racing video game franchise that I have no idea about because the only good franchises for sophisticated men of my advanced palate and years are Mario, Zelda and Castlevania. If a game series made its debut on the PlayStation or later, I would be as able to recognize it as a Palestinian is capable of quoting and appreciating Woody Allen films. And even if NFS were based on an older video game, who cares? All video game-based movies are putrid. It’s a hard and fast rule. Remember Doom? I’ll tell you one guy who hopes you don’t: This dude.

Need For Speed has to be hoping that people who loved Breaking Bad are going to check it out because it stars Aaron Paul, aka Jessie Pinkman, co-star of the series. Well, guess what? People watched Breaking Bad because it was good, not because it starred ol’ fivehead. If you’re going to try to pimp a folliclely-challenged heartthrob on me, dig up the corpse of Telly Savalas, that adorable Greek Nosferatu. Hell, by the end of BB, I found Jessie actively annoying. And it’s even worse now that some mongoloid or another is posting horribly unfunny “Science, bitch!” memes on my timeline every five minutes. So skip Need For Speed. Can you say, “Flop, bitch!”?

Tagged as: Movie Review.