Reviewing The Help…Without Having Watched It
The Help was released over the weekend and enjoyed a respectable box office take. This left me in a bit of a quandary because I love the traffic that comes […]
As a man who enjoys placing my penis inside vaginas, I’ve always felt embarrassed about admitting that I’m a fan of True Blood. It falls under the umbrella of behaviors that, while not necessarily indicative of closeted homosexuality, certainly don’t make you any more masculine, like requesting a thumb in your ass when receiving oral sex or cooking. We’re not talking being a casual watcher, either: I’ve seen every episode, I know the plot lines, I’ve even taken the time to read the three-paragraph-long summaries of each book the series is based upon on Wikipedia. If that isn’t thorough, I don’t know what is.
So it’s with great pride that I focus upon the one thing that I’d like to think separates me from being a total True Blood geek, the one aspect of my viewing that I pray affords me a little distance from the diehards I so love to mock. And that is the fact that, every Sunday, while watching the latest episode of True Blood, I pray for the death of Sookie Stackhouse. I don’t care who’s responsible. I don’t care if it’s even plausible. I don’t care how it happens, I just want it to happen.
Sookie, without a doubt, is the most annoying character on television. She’s devoid of common sense, but “has a good heart,” which means we’re supposed to excuse the fact that her stupidity has cost, at last count, 408 characters their lives. If Sookie lived during World War II, there is no doubt in my mind that we would have heard the following words come out of her toxic, snaggletoothed cave of idiot-sounds: “Hey, ya’ll, I somehow managed to give that guy with the funny moustache the secret to making atomic bombs, but you cannot blame me, because you know I have a thing for bad boys with blue eyes! So just suck it up and get over it, already!” We would all be speaking German right now. Danke schön, Fräulein Stackhouse. What ein twaten. (Yes, that’s real German.)
Sadly, Sookie will never give up the ghost. True Blood is her show. It’s like watching 24 and wondering if the Dour Tower of Bauer Power is going to make it out alive. The answer is “yes.” It’s always “yes.” The difference is, when Jack’s in a life-and-death situation, you worry about him and root for his survival. If Sookie’s in a bind, I sit there rattling off every conceivable way she could die, like the autistic Bubba Blue listing shrimp recipes. It will never end, people. So let’s all just shut our mouths, suck it up and stare at Jessica the Vampire’s tits some more.
Brian on August 19, 2011
Jessica is the hottest piece of ass on TV.
Kevin on August 23, 2011
I think Hitler had brown eyes. Which is funny when you consider the Aryan race: Here he was, a short, dark-haired, brown-eyed, half-jew. And his ideal race? Tall, Blond, Viking-type… OMG ERIC IS A NAZI!
allen lamb on August 24, 2011
that sucking sound you heard was me holding my breath and then the utter disappointment when Jason fucked Jessica in the back of his truck and all we got was an arm across the tits shot. she’s riding cowgirl and covering up that magnificent treasure chest. I felt so cheated