No one is going to watch Need For Speed. It’s based on some racing video game franchise that I have no idea about because the only good franchises for sophisticated men of my advanced palate and years are Mario, Zelda and Castlevania. If a game series made its debut on […]
I’m getting old. It’s an undeniable fact. And getting old comes with plenty of downside. I’m graying. My hair’s thinning, too. My capacity for physical exertion seems reduced. To be honest, I’m a few years removed from my body becoming a complete dumpster fire. But there are perks to being […]
The only bad thing I have to say about Her is that I keep slipping up and calling the film She when talking about it with other people, which in turn causes them to look at me like I’m a fucking imbecile who’s referring to it as “Talking Robot Movie […]
Let’s dispense with the drama and brace yourself for some shocking news: I think Tyler Perry is garbage. I don’t mean that personally, of course. God bless him for rising from homelessness to achieve what he has, and I feel bad the guy can’t suck cock all willy-nilly as he […]
I never read The Hunger Games because I’m not two years removed from getting my first period. I also dodged the film adaptation until it randomly popped up on Netflix (which was unexpected because Netflix prides itself on getting one current, big-budget movie a year and I thought they had […]
I’m going to keep this short and sweet: The original Thor was the least-plausible comic book film I have ever seen. It wasn’t because of the story, which featured frost giants taking over a mythical land located at the end of a rainbow, as I recall. It wasn’t because of […]
Last Vegas scares the living piss out of me. Not because it’s spectacularly bad (it seems merely normally bad). No, Last Vegas represents more than a movie. It represents an idea. And that idea is a return to Kings of Comedy-itis. Permit me to explain. The Original Kings of Comedy […]
I’d like to believe myself above the humor of Johnny Knoxville and the rest of the Jackass crew. They inflict ghastly bodily harm upon themselves and call it comedy, which, to those of us who fancy ourselves cerebral in our sense of humor, can’t help but come off as lowbrow. […]
My Carrie review was going to be a beautiful, two-pronged assault, like the Nazi invasion of Poland or texting horrible things to your ex-girlfriend as you post the nude photos she shared with you in confidence on her Facebook wall: I was going to decry the making of another unnecessary […]