The Dubious Best of To Catch a Predator

For those of you unfamiliar, To Catch a Predator was a great show on NBC which featured reporter Chris Hansen and a bunch of volunteers who posed as underage girls and used instant messaging programs to lure pedophiles to a house full of filming cameras, where they would then be confronted by Hansen and react by either engaging him in a really creepy conversation or just sprinting for the front door. As expected, the show was fertile comedic ground, and the gang over at BuzzFeed compiled this gallery of the show’s highlights, some of which I wanted to take a moment to comment on.

What the fuck is a “horny level?” Does his go to 11? I’m not the best writer around (a few minutes spent reading this site serve as fantastic testimony to that), but hearing people whip out lines like this makes me feel like a young Hemingway. Also, with longer hair, this guy would be a dead ringer for Jack Black. Now we know why he’s making a sequel to Kung Fu Panda.

People are into some disturbing stuff. Have you ever really contemplated the fact that, for every porn website you’ve ever seen that was so outlandishly deviant that you laughed until it hurt to breathe, then emailed the url to all your friends, there is a large enough number of people in the world that would pay to masturbate to its contents that some guy is making a living with it? (Even worse, one of the friends you just emailed might be one of them.) The next time someone gives me lip because I have a thing for big jugs, I’m going to kick them down a flight of stairs. At least I’m not into having my face used as a bidet. Comparatively speaking, a tit fetish is almost Christlike.

I know the guy’s a kid toucher and all, but you have to award points for honesty. I’ve never been that frank with a woman and I date people I can legally sleep with. Also, who the hell is the fake kid in this chat? She can barely stammer out a comprehensible sentence. Honey, he’s into children, not simpletons. A child molester trying to murder your innocence is no excuse for allowing proper grammar and syntax to die with it.

Last, we have Dog Man. I could care less about the noodle line: We’ve already covered the fact that pedophiles are wordsmiths capable of putting Juvenal to shame. I just want to dwell on the face of the dog in that photograph. Have you ever seen a more thoroughly dejected creature? People wondering just how perceptive animals are need look no further, because that dog obviously recognize it’s owned by a pervert. Maybe he’s so down because he knows he’s one Internet outage away from having to provide sauce for the noodle.