The Five Grossest Women of True Blood Season Four

Last week, I pooped out a couple of words about the five hottest women on True Blood this season, a fun exercise because part of the show’s appeal is how much it trades in sex (see Nelsan Ellis in that smart little bandana-fishnet ensemble pictured above for an example). The downside to that is you can be extremely turned on from a scene and the camera cuts right to a mug like this:

Sure, she looks fine for an older woman, blah blah blah, but try telling that to the erection that’s now sinking into the chilly depths because it dashed itself against the iceberg of that visage. Without further ado, here are the five least-appealing women that True Blood had to offer this season.

5. Rutina Wesley as Tara Thornton
“Gross” is somewhat harsh when applied to Tara because she’s at least in shape and…oh, who am I kidding? Screw her and that dopey Princess Leia fucked the Predator hair of hers. Not to mention she acts like an übertwat (I can just imagine my pants coming off in front of Tara and her eying my junk, dismissively clucking her tongue and saying, “Fine…I guess“) and she dresses as provocatively as Dora the Explorer. Also, in all of Tara’s years on the show, she’s never once pulled out her knockers. Sookie’s breasts are out in the open so much you think she breathed through the goddamn things, and she started her career as a child actor for Christ’s sake. You’re telling me she can take one for the team and Tara can’t? Selfish, Thornton. Selfish.

4. Anna Paquin as Sookie Stackhouse

Speaking of Sookie…yeah. Is this hypocritical of me because I’ve eaten meals from far less appealing kitchens than the Paquin Vaginal Bistro? Of course. Does it make up for the fact that you could test a young fighter pilot by forcing him to weave between the gaps in her teeth? Not on your life. Look, Sookie has a pretty sick bod. Any time her clothes come off, I think to myself, “Damn, that broad is in shape.” It’s just that my second thought is, “Can’t they weave her jaw being wired shut into the plotline of these scenes?” I’d even settle for her having a thing for playing cops and robbers and wearing a bandana over the lower half of her face. Or have her go Muslim and keep on the niqab. Something. Anything.

3. Carrie Preston as Arlene Fowler

Now we’re getting to the characters where I’m thankful their clothes stayed on. Arlene has a face like a foot, and her hair looks like she dyed it by filling a sink with water and letting a few red Crayolas bleed out in it. Not to mention the fact she has kids. Three of them. Yes, she’s an actress and probably doesn’t have three kids in real life (or does. What am I, the Encyclopedia Britannica?), but just the suggestion of it is a disgusting cherry on top of her foul sundae. I never did get the whole MILF thing. Unless you’re going to make her kids hold the camera.

2. Jessica Tuck as Nan Flanagan

While Nan typically looks better than she does in this photo (Annie Lennox is Marilyn Monroe compared to that mug), she doesn’t pretty up that much nicer. Plus, she might have the least-sexy name ever conceived of. “Nan Flanagan” sounds like a 19th century Irish dockworker who beats his wife and dies of syphilis at age 40. I’d want to share a beer with him, not stick my dick him.

1. Fiona Shaw as Marnie Stonebrook

Marnie the Witch is the entire reason I wrote this list. I’m not even sure that Fiona Shaw is a real person and not a drag alter ego of James Cromwell:

Has there been a face in the history of television that has made you want to punch the screen more than Marnie’s? I thought Roy Munson’s landlady was the foulest thing ever committed to film, but here we are. At least I can’t impugn Marnie’s abilities as a sorceress: She was able to successfully cast a spell that turned my penis from an outie to an innie every time I saw her. Well done!

Tagged as: True Blood.