Papa’s Basement 1-31-11-Snow Makes Washington DC Retarded
Between the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, the Redskins being the last NFL team to integrate and now this, the District of Columbia really has some explaining to do. Hear our […]
The only interesting part of yesterday’s game.
For the record, I live and breathe NFL football. Not so much in a Rain Man, I know to which side every Super Bowl-winning quarterback hangs kind of way, but I spend most Sundays of the season beached like a hairy whale on the couch from 1 pm until 11:30 or so, when the night game wraps up. So I of all people should be a safe bet to watch the Pro Bowl, football’s equivalent of an all-star game and the last game of the year outside of the Super Bowl. Instead of doing that, however, I was out galavanting about town, feeling drunk with power after realizing I’d have a whole extra day of the week to engage in productive endeavors (three weeks, tops, before every Sunday is spent in my underwear with my hair sticking up Something About Mary style as I watch episodes of King of the Hill on Netflix that I’ve already seen 20 times).
The Pro Bowl is garbage for a variety of reasons, but the largest by far is that the players simply don’t care to play well. Nor should they: Why risk injury for a paycheck along the lines of 20k when most of these guys wipe their asses with cash like that? So here are a few ideas I’ve had regarding ways to make the players care a little more about the event.
Play Flag Football-On the surface, this seems like a really murky solution, akin to a fear of rejection by attractive women leading you to flirt with nothing but Morlocks. But I think players might put a little more passion into their game if they realize the chance of injury has been greatly reduced. That and they’ll look like a pussy larger than the cave that turned out to be a monster’s mouth that Han flew the Millenium Falcon into in Empire if they don’t play hard in a flag football contest.
Play Using Mutant League Rules-I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Mutant League Football is the best sports game ever made (NBA Jam being second). You could kill rival players by shoving them into pits of fire or throwing dynamite at them, and games could be won by killing enough members of the opposing team that they couldn’t field 11 men. Between the lawyers and the player’s union (not to mention a slew of American laws), the league will probably never go for this one, but if it did, prepare yourself for three hours of entertainment on par with your first viewing of The Godfather.
Porn Star Cheerleaders that the Winning Team Gets to Bang-Again, the NFL is a cowardly organization that couldn’t castrate itself quickly enough after the Janet Jackson incident in an attempt to prove it was as family-friendly as ever. If they ever wanted to show us some guys run like Jim Brown and throw like Montana in his prime, though, it’d be a simple matter of putting Tori Black with a pair of pom-poms on the sidelines. I’d set the over-under at 400. Conservatively.
Tom on January 31, 2011
Mutant League Football was amazing… they need to update that with the current technology. You could chuck dynamite with that little Wii wand. If they brought that out, it might be the game changer I need to get a new console.
Walking Deadman on January 31, 2011
I like the cheerleader idea, it will never happen though. The XFL was pretty terrible but give Vince McMahon credit he tried to do something like that with the cheerleaders in hot tubs and as scantily clad as possible during the games.
The Pro Bowl is terrible. Guys are half assing, side line reporters are calling plays, it’s pretty silly. Flag football or a giant player skills competition might be more fun.
Why not let fans call the plays. Most of us have played Madden, ESPN2K, Tecmo Bowl, Nfl Blitz, Mutant League etc. Why Not? How cool would it be for a fan to tell Manning to throw a pass or call a play for an Adrian Peterson run.
We’re in an interactive world, why not let the fans call the plays nobody cares about the game anyway.
As for this game, I couldn’t even watch most of it and I was trying to cover the 3 Skins playing in it for my blog.
Brian on February 1, 2011
YouTube “Sean Taylor Brian Moorman” because it is the greatest highlight in the history of the Pro Bowl.