The Redskins Will Kill Me–Washington Redskins 28 – St. Louis Rams 31

Without fail, the arc of a Redskins season follows that of Requiem for a Dream‘s narrative: Things start off okay. Yes, the characters are flawed, but they have a chance. They have hopes and dreams and maybe, just maybe, they’re going to make it. Then, in the second stage, a few bumps in the road occur. There’s still a chance, but things aren’t looking good. And then, there’s stage three. The final phase. That’s where the descent occurs. Arms rot. Elderly women go insane. Someone orders “Ass to ass.” Well, we might only be two weeks into the season, but it’s already second stage time. Now on with the bullet points.

At Least RGIII Looked Still Looked Good–This might have been Sunday’s one positive. Robert Griffin III’s game, while not the spectacular outing he enjoyed last week, was quite solid. Peggy Hill once said pejoratively of her neighbor Bill Dauterive, “Everything that man touches turns to…Bill.” Similarly, everything Dan Snyder touches turn to…Redskin. Let’s hope RGIII is strong enough to break that trend. So far, he seems it. And we all know a sample size of two games is scientifically representative!

The Redskins Defense is Effed–Not only did they manage to give up 31 points to the St. Louis Rams (as an aside, can the Skins stop randomly playing the Rams every year? Without fail they manage to defeat Washington and derail the entire damn year), but starters Brian Orakpo and Adam Carriker are injured and lost for the season. And an injured Orakpo is not only failing to contribute on the field, but has more time to record these.

It Has Been a Long Time Since I’ve Wanted to Murder a Man Like I Wanted to Murder Josh Morgan–Let me recap the game’s waning moments for you: The Redskins are down by three. They’re driving toward the St. Louis end zone, and Redskins Josh Morgan catches a pass that results in a 4-and-1 around the Rams’ 30 yard line. This would mean a 47-yard kick for Redskin Billy Cundiff, who hasn’t been known for his accuracy as of late. Still, a 47-yard kick in a dome environment doesn’t have the worst odds. I figured the game was fucked, but I’m an eternal pessimist. I mean, I look at a pizza and figure a disgruntled employee pleasured himself into the marinara sauce. It’s just how my brain works.

Thankfully, Josh took it upon himself to move my assumptions from “John, you’re being irrationally fearful” to “That pessimistic, bearded bastard was right again” in a matter of moments by spiking the ball at cornerback Cortland Finnegan’s nutsack in a fit of anger. The furstrating thing is that Finnegan is a dirty asshole of a player who’s known to antagonize guys until they snap like that. It just couldn’t have happened at a less-opportune time. The resulting 15-yard penalty turned a 47-yard field goal into a 62-yard miracle, Cundiff missed the kick by a wider margin than a virgin trying to slide it in the right hole in pitch black conditions, and I spent the next three hours feeling like I’d just seen Sophie’s Choice for the first time.

Christ I hope they win next week.

HTTR

Tagged as: NFL Football, Washington Redskins.