To Catch a Predator Catcher (Chris Hansen Busted Cheating on His Wife)

In a turn of events that could only be funnier if the girl were underage (not gross underage. You know, grey zone underage, like 12), Chris Hansen, a reporter who rose to prominence snaring pedophiles on film for the show To Catch a Predator, was busted on camera this week cheating on his wife with a much younger woman. Since I’m sure you’re all curious, here is a photo of the homewrecking doxy, Florida reporter Kristyn Caddell:

And here is a picture of Chris with his wife:

I can’t help but notice some similarities. In the pantheon of cheating, there’s nothing more painful than your spouse sneaking around to fuck a younger version of you. Because on top of the humiliation of betrayal, you’re also forced to beer bong a 40oz of “Yes, I’m aging, losing my looks, and, someday, I’m gonna die.” And no one likes facing that, least of all the blonde prom queen. Think back to the story about Arnold Schwarzenegger cheating on Maria Shriver that broke a few months ago. At least Maria was able to console herself with the fact that Arnold pretty much stuck his dick in the old woman from that optical illusion. The bitch has a face like Yogi Berra, and, obviously, was only targeted for operations by Major Dutch Schaefer because she was already bent over to clean the toilet, so why not stick it in her?

Mary Joan Hansen, on the other hand, has to cope with officially being yesterday’s model. She is young John Papageorgiou’s Nintendo Entertainment System after the release of the Super Nintendo. Because, while I had plenty of amazing memories with that NES, and my dad was spot-on in saying things like, “Why would I ever get you a new video game system when the one you have now works fine?” (While probably thinking, “I grew up starving in Nazi-occupied Crete, stealing munitions for the Greek Resistance, and you want to sit inside and play with something called a ‘Yoshi’ while you develop boy-bosoms? This isn’t why I came to America.”) But that Nintendo was yesterday’s news. I had to stick my cartridge into something shiny and new, and I pitched a shitfit until an SNES was waiting for me under that Christmas tree. (Alongside the two packs of wife-beaters my mother purchased then labeled as my gift to my father. Man, was I a shitty son.)

Despite all the joking around, when it comes to situations like this, there are no easy answers. Yes, Chris Hansen shouldn’t have cheated, but that’s a pat response. The truth is, the average woman is far cooler with being in a decades-long relationship where all sparkle is gone than the average man. Men are hardwired to conquer the fresh and the new, be it in life or the bedroom. This country was founded by dudes who willingly waded around up to their knees in the blood of the Redman, arrows and tomahawks flying by their heads, just because it was a change of pace from sitting around the old country and speaking with those fruity accents. It’s in our DNA. I’m not going to begrudge a dude with Chris Hansen’s options for wanting to take a discreet peek behind door number two, and neither should his wife. To quote the voice of my generation, “Give a dog a bone/Leave a dog alone/Let a dog roam/And he’ll find his way home.” Indeed, sir. Indeed.

Tagged as: Chris Hansen.