Tron Sucks

I make no secret of having a titanic geeky side. As a youth, I enjoyed many a viewing of Star Wars. Countless hours have been spent watching Captain Kirk toupee his way out of one crisis or another. Christ, there are even boxes of Magic: The Gathering cards under my bed. But any time I hear anyone talking about how good Tron is, it takes every ounce of my willpower not to shove them to the ground, take their lunch money and pump my fists as I shout “Papageorgiou rules!”


Why do I hate Tron so much? Because it’s goddamn awful! I mean, have you ever seen it? I did. Once. I’m still haunted by that night. It’s like my own private pinball scene from The Accused. (Note: Even I feel weird posting a link that refers to the footage in question as “hot rape scene,” but it’s all I could find, so just step off your pedestal of judgment, Captain Morality.) I was working overnight at WTOP and had run out of pretty much anything else to watch on Hulu (such a dynamic employee) when I saw Tron was available for streaming. “What the Hell,” I figured, and proceeded to flush the next two hours of my life down the shitter. Two hours that would bother me for a while to come.


You see, to say I’d have watched anything to kill time on those graveyard shifts is an understatement. Someone could have shoved a crate of gay porn in front of me and, odds are, come back 15 minutes later to find me viewing the most plot-oriented of the bunch. So for me to piss and moan about how much I didn’t enjoy Tron under those circumstances doesn’t speak volumes. It screams them. The movie is just bad. The plot’s weak. The acting’s weak. I’ve seen better special effects in a cave painting. And now it’s getting a sequel.


Which, because I’m a mindless sheep, I’ll probably go watch. After all, it has Old Lebowski and Young Lebowski, not to mention Olivia Wilde who, while smaller-chested than me circa grade six, is so beautiful you almost feel guilty about wanting to bang her. And, unlike its predecessor, its special effects don’t make the original King Kong look like it was made by Industrial Light & Magic by comparison. Feel free to go check out Tron: Legacy next week. Just don’t get any ideas about watching the original to familiarize yourself with its universe beforehand. A viewing of Men Alone 2: The KY Connection would be filled with fewer regrets.