Was I the Only Kid Scared Sh*tless of Aliens?

And no, I’m not talking the magnum opus Aliens. Who could be afraid with Hudson protecting them? This post is one of many in a proud tradition of “Was I a relatively normal kid?” articles. It’s a rhetorical question, because I’m well aware I was a tubby little misfit, but once in a while, people actually identify with one of the weirder aspects of my childhood, leading to a sense of acceptance and scenes not unlike this one. Today, we’re going to be asking the question “Was John the only kid who was scared shitless for the duration of his youth by the threat of alien abduction?”


Up until the age of nine, aliens were a happy thing in my life. E.T., Max from Flight of the Navigator, Marvin the Martian…all elicited smiles and laughter from me. Even Predator didn’t scare me; Hell, based upon his weaponry alone, I wanted to grow up and become him. That all changed one fateful day when my school’s library began carrying the Time-Life Mysteries of the Unknown series, leading Young John to crack open the Alien Encounters volume and read two magical words – “alien abduction” – that would shake him to his very core. I almost dropped a deuce right there in front of the class. Aliens could come and snatch me in the middle of the night, stick a tracking device in me, and do it again and again for the remainder of my life? And my parents could do absolutely nothing to protect me from it? Up until then, the biggest concerns in my life had been beating Contra on single-player and always having loose change on hand for when the ice cream man came by. Just like that, there was a new boss in town. Determined to do anything I could to protect myself from being a victim, I checked the book out, spent the remainder of the night devouring it, then proceeded to sleep with the lights on, which I continued to do for the next six months.


From there on out, nearly everything I read or watched was UFO related. Unsolved Mysteries. The X-Files. Even some abomination that came on Sy Fy every Sunday morning called Mysteries From Beyond the Other Dominion, which featured maybe the worst theme song I’ve ever heard, not to mention production values that a public access station would wipe their ass with. It was a never-ending, self-inflicted cavalcade of terror, the crowning jewel of which was the film Communion, a movie that not only depicts alien abductions, but the party being abducted is none other than Christopher Walken. I’ll let you ponder just how traumatizing watching either of those things on film is for a small boy. Somehow, I figured immersing myself in alien-related media would arm my with knowledge I could use to protect myself. Instead, it wound up reinforcing my belief that I was doomed to be abducted, and I resigned myself to my fate.


My fear of alien abduction went out the door around the time I sprouted pubes and became interested in sex (age 27). Ironically, once you hit adulthood and realize that aliens are never going to come for you, the thought of some grey little triangle heads breaking into your house then whisking you away to another galaxy while shoving electrodes in your rectum sounds like a fun change of pace. Well, as long as it’s chick aliens doing it. Otherwise, you’re just an intergalactic homo.


So, what robbed your childhood of its innocence? Clowns? Ghosts? An uncle with a surprise under his bathrobe? (You should probably file a police report if that last one is the case.) Let me know in the comments section!