The Redskins Will Kill Me–Washington Redskins 40 – New Orleans Saints 32

“Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.”
-Red Redding, The Shawshank Redemption

Another year, another series of articles from me summarizing each Redskins game. I can’t help it. I was born in DC. The first object to ever hang on my wall was a Redskins pennant. They’re the only team I’ll ever truly love. The usual problem when writing about the Redskins has been that, by week eight, I’m bored with it. It’s tiresome coming up with synonyms for words like “disappointment,” “underachievement” and “abject failure.” (Which is strange, because, given the trajectory my life has taken, they should be on the tip of my tongue. Zing.)

This year, I’m going to keep each article a short list of bullet points of my thoughts from the game. If the season goes well, it’ll keep me from being a gloating ass. If the season goes as most Redskins seasons do, it’ll keep me from losing interest. On with the show.

I Can’t Remember the Last Time a Redskins Game Was This Watchable–When was the last time you saw a Redskins game where they played a strong team, took some punches, and were able to hang in and punch back? For several years now, watching a Redskins victory has consisted of the following: 1. Seeing them stumble upon an early lead of fewer than two touchdowns and 2. Sweating for the remaining 40 minutes of the game as their offense craps the bed and you pray the defense doesn’t become gassed. It’s like your unattractive, unemployed friend somehow finding a beautiful woman to go on a date with him: Given enough time, everyone knows the wheels are going to come off. You just hope he manages to cop a feel or two before they do.

40 Points!?–Do you know the last time the Redskins scored 40 or more points? 2005. Do you know what you were doing in 2005? Navigating Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas on your PS2 as “Since U Been Gone” played in the background. Perhaps you tuned in to the debut of a show by the name of The Office. Brother, it’s been a while. (PS–If you don’t think Steve Carell wears a rug, click that link and look at the cover of the Season 1 DVD. In time, he might give William Shatner a run.)

Don’t Think the Saints Are Pushovers–Just because the Redskins beat a good team, it doesn’t mean that team is actually bad. I know the thought process: If I sleep with a hot girl, she couldn’t have been that hot. If I get a job, it can’t be that good of a job. If I befriend a black person, they aren’t going to be one of those cool, urban black people. Well, let me tell you something: I’ve banged some quality kitty in my day (sometimes even without paying for it). And some of my black friends would ask “Battlestar what?” if they saw a picture of this guy. And, well, my jobs have all kinda sucked, but I’m working on that part. What I’m trying to say is, every dog has its day. This might just be the beginning of the Redskins’. Which brings us to my last point.

If This Victory Was a Fluke, I Will Commit Suicide–I didn’t threaten that I might commit suicide. I threatened that I will. During Sunday’s game, I found myself repeatedly making a percussive noise with my hands. Later, I was told by a Patriots fan that it’s known as “applause” and it is apparently a common reaction to watching your team experience success on the field. I’ll have to take his word for it. As the day went on, I reflected upon how nice it was to feel a tingling in my palms due to uh-plauz (sorry, I’m still so new to spelling it) as opposed to the usual aching in my knuckles due from punching various inanimate objects. I want more. And, if I don’t get it, things might get ugly.

Having opened with a cautionary quote about hope from The Shawshank Redemption, I think it fair to close with one as well. One with a different tone that I’m crossing my fingers is more applicable to the Redskins’ season.

“Remember, Red: hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies.”
-Andy Dufresne

HTTR

Tagged as: New Orleans Saints, NFL Football, Robert Griffin III, Washington Redskins.